The Difference a Day Makes

Yesterday I was scared. I was scared and angry. I was hurting and I was disappointed. I felt so empty and alone. And it seems like this is all a phase. Like one day everything will be back to normal and we will be heading back to church doing the whole Mormon thing allover again. But I know this is not a phase. This is real and it is a process of finding a place where I will be happiest.


The Church, to me, was this perfect thing, this perfect entity. Sure there were and are idiots in it, but the structure itself was perfect. It was right. It was good. It was home. It was my history, my culture. I respected my leaders, from old Primary teachers up to the prophet. I loved President Hinckley. He seemed so real and had such a refreshing sense of humor. The church was mine. It was me. I was it.


Now... Now I feel like I have lost something. Something I dearly loved and had in common with so many friends and family is gone. Things I once blindly believed have been ripped from me and the real truth has replaced it. I decided I needed to strip everything down, start over, and find out if there really is a god. Yesterday I felt helpless and hopeless and scared. I kept asking myself, "What if there isn't a god? What if this is it?" I have been praying for something, anything from some higher life form to confirm its existence. I have been desperately hoping my fears are incorrect.


I fear death. I fear dying young and not being able to see my husband or dear children again, because what if there is not an afterlife? I have been mislead on so many other things regarding the church, perhaps an afterlife is also a mirage. What if you die and this is it? It deeply sorrows me and frightens me that if I die young, I won't be able to hold my children again. I won't be able to touch my nose to my son's head and breath in his sweet smell. Or snuggle with my daughter and listen to her soft breathing.

If there is no god, there is no afterlife and this, right now, is it. Once you die, you are gone.

That was yesterday.

This morning I woke up and I felt different. I felt hopeful. I have had so many experiences in my life where I have had feelings and premonitions that have guided me. I trust my gut and my gut has never been wrong. So I decided to ask my gut about the existence of god, and my gut told me there is a god.

I do believe in God, but how this religion thing plays into it, I have no idea. This whole process is such a roller coaster ride. Yesterday I was in despair and today has brought hope. Apostasy is so bi-polar.