This past week, Mom and Dad visited a good family friend who is a temple president of one the temples in the Salt Lake Valley. They went to get a priesthood blessing for guidance regarding Dad's disease. The blessing went well and afterwards, they chit-chatted, and the temple president specifically asked about me. Mom's response was,"She has left The Church."As Mom recounted that to me and the words of "she has left the church" came out of her mouth, I kinda got a sick feeling in my stomach. Have I REALLY left The Church? I have been thinking since then what my relationship with The Church is. There are things I still believe and hold on to, I can still see myself participating on some level, I just do not attend.
I am fine receiving any member of our ward into our home. Visiting teacher? Fine. Missionaries? Fine. Bishop? Fine. I have even told our Relief Society President, who is also a friend I hang out with, whatever help she needs, I would be happy to assist.
Just as I started becoming inactive, we had a whole bunch of new, young families move into the ward. I have become good friends with the mommies and their children. I am so grateful for the influx of girlfriends. I swear they moved into our ward boundaries just for me.
Perhaps, my readers, you may think it is awkward being friends with Mormon mommies and me, the inactive sister. Since the beginning, I have refused to let this situation be awkward. I have been proactive at maintaining my friendships and I have been blunt and open about what I want from them regarding The Church. I even openly joke about my church attendance.
I have voiced my appreciation to them for being so kind to me and for treating me like everyone else. One day, flat out, I told them "just don't treat me like I am a project", to which they agreed. Being honest, and open, and even blunt at times has worked for me in maintaining my relationship with my girlfriends. I am glad religion is not the basis of friendship for them.
So have I left the church? I don't know. I don't know if I can answer that right now. I haven't mailed in my resignation, so I am still on the books. I still feel like I belong to my ward family and would attend activities, like the Ward Christmas Party and I still say hi when I bump into Ward members at Walmart, or wherever.
What keeps me from going to church is my dislike for listening to things I do not agree with or believe. I still believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost, and it makes logical sense to me that they are separate beings. I believe in the goodness and guidance of the Word of Wisdom and I want to pass that onto my children. I believe in some kind of preexistence and afterlife. I believe I will be together with my husband, my children, and my family regardless of what I do in this lifetime. I still believe families are forever. I believe Christ's message of love one another.
So where does this place me? Am I still Mormon? I don't know. I guess that will be something which will be resolved in the future.
Whomever you are, leave a comment. Any insight you have, I would appreciate hearing.
Great idea to be open with your friends, and work to keep the friendships going. I'm in Utah, and I feel more alone these days as I struggle with my beliefs. Back when I was in leadership callings I had guys I basically *had* to hang out with multiple times a week. The friendships were fun.
ReplyDeleteA couple years back I started checking out another church. It was the one with the freeway billboard that taunted "Church, Caffeinated" because they have free coffee in the lobby. Today I happily attend my local LDS wardhouse with the wife and kids. I have a small calling. I think if I didn't it would be really easy to miss church. The Bishop was so kind and generous I just couldn't say no. Plus it was something that played on my talents.
Are you still Mormon? I ask myself that once in a while. My challenge is that I have come to believe there is nothing else out there. Atlas Shrugged put the final nail in the coffin for me on that one. I'm sad about my belief however. I miss the magic and hope that came believing in miracles and God. The promise of deliverance, of something better than what I have today.
I'll have to try what a friend recommended on a board recently. Be like an Alice character and try to "believe in six impossible things before breakfast every day."
I still believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost, and it makes logical sense to me that they are separate beings. I believe in the goodness and guidance of the Word of Wisdom and I want to pass that onto my children. I believe in some kind of preexistence and afterlife. I believe I will be together with my husband, my children, and my family regardless of what I do in this lifetime. I still believe families are forever. I believe Christ's message of love one another.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful.
I didn't know your dad was ill. Gosh that was a shock to read! Hope he is OK.
ReplyDeleteSounds soooo familiar. I just admitted to my VTs I don't believe histrocity of BOM, haven't been to church much. Don't go for some reasons. Don't want to be labeled.
ReplyDelete