Invalidation

It was supposed to be me. I was the one who was supposed to go first. That way, all the self-growth, reflection and strength would be validated and He would know our marital failure was not my entire fault. I spent years in self-loathing, stuck in a failing marriage thinking, “Who would want me? I don’t even want me.” So I stayed, unhappy and stuck. Stuck in a fear nobody would tolerate the person I was because I was, well, intolerable. Unlovable. Unhappy. But I was married to him and he was stuck to me. I guess I thought it would be better to be stuck with someone in unhappiness instead of no one.

But then I started to grow. I started to reflect. I started loving myself and accepting myself for the first time in my life. The-First-Time. I was ready to be over with the self-loathing and hate. I was ready for the daily negative thoughts to be replaced by kinder, more loving self-thoughts. My self-esteem started to grow and instead of asking myself who would want me, I started asking myself, “Who wouldn’t want me? I am awesome!” I did not just think that, I believed it. I knew it and I know it.

In just a few weeks after He moved out, I continued to grow. My self-acceptance for both my flaws and my good traits helped boost the ego-crushing rejection of a person I had known half my life and whom I had thought I loved; and whom I thought loved me. I accepted my part in our marital failure. I know it was not all him, but he had problems. Some major problems I had begged him to address over and over in our marriage, but he did not love himself enough, or me, or the kids to make those changes. So we failed together and after that failure came growth; or growth on my part, I guess. I saw my growth. I felt its power. I loved it. I drank it. I bathed in it. I was excited to share the “real me” with someone. I had worked so hard, so heartbreakingly hard to change my bad habits and conquer the depression that had held me down for years. I knew I had a ways to go, but I was on the right track.

He remained the same to me. So bitter. Mean. Worse. He treated me like one of his criminal clients, which just further solidified the right choice we made to end our marriage. So many tears I continued to shed because of his heartlessness and blame and I thought, “Who would ever want him?”

But he went first. Weeks after moving out, he found someone. At the lowest point in his life, he found someone and I thought there was no way this other person would tolerate His nonsense. How could they when he had not given himself the opportunity to grow and heal? What kind of a person is attracted to that? Doesn’t water seek its level?

The weeks turned into months, which turned into half-a-year which turned into plans of moving in together. And I was bothered. And I could not figure out why. It was not jealousy. It was not “being replaced”. So I spent some time deeply thinking about why exactly this bothered me and the answer came. I was bothered because I felt that having someone accept him in such a state invalidated my reasons of not wanting to be married to him anymore. It invalidated my thoughts of why someone would ever want his problems and so soon after he moved out of our house. I mean, if I did not want him, how could anyone else?

That concern is not silly. It was very real to me and it worried me. It worried me in terms of taking more responsibility for the failure of our marriage. I have never questioned the actual ending of it, but it did cause me to question just how much a part of it I played in its failure. It made me feel like I was the cause. I was to blame 100%.

I know I cannot force him to accept his part in our marital failure, because blame is so cowardly easy. I know I cannot force him to apologize from his heart for his part in it. I know I have grown because I have offered that apology several times. It was heartfelt and I was, indeed, sorry for the pain I caused him. He has not asked for my forgiveness but I have given it. I do not want the hate of another to be brought into a new relationship whenever the universe makes that happen. Unless I forgive, hate will always be there weighing me down from truly loving another.

I know “my other” is out there. I know the universe has a plan for me and I trust it. I yearn to be with someone. I have so much love to give. Fully. Completely. Without hesitation. And I am ready to receive it. Fully. Completely. Without hesitation. I will expect no less from my other and they should expect no less from me.