The Difference a Day Makes

Yesterday I was scared. I was scared and angry. I was hurting and I was disappointed. I felt so empty and alone. And it seems like this is all a phase. Like one day everything will be back to normal and we will be heading back to church doing the whole Mormon thing allover again. But I know this is not a phase. This is real and it is a process of finding a place where I will be happiest.


The Church, to me, was this perfect thing, this perfect entity. Sure there were and are idiots in it, but the structure itself was perfect. It was right. It was good. It was home. It was my history, my culture. I respected my leaders, from old Primary teachers up to the prophet. I loved President Hinckley. He seemed so real and had such a refreshing sense of humor. The church was mine. It was me. I was it.


Now... Now I feel like I have lost something. Something I dearly loved and had in common with so many friends and family is gone. Things I once blindly believed have been ripped from me and the real truth has replaced it. I decided I needed to strip everything down, start over, and find out if there really is a god. Yesterday I felt helpless and hopeless and scared. I kept asking myself, "What if there isn't a god? What if this is it?" I have been praying for something, anything from some higher life form to confirm its existence. I have been desperately hoping my fears are incorrect.


I fear death. I fear dying young and not being able to see my husband or dear children again, because what if there is not an afterlife? I have been mislead on so many other things regarding the church, perhaps an afterlife is also a mirage. What if you die and this is it? It deeply sorrows me and frightens me that if I die young, I won't be able to hold my children again. I won't be able to touch my nose to my son's head and breath in his sweet smell. Or snuggle with my daughter and listen to her soft breathing.

If there is no god, there is no afterlife and this, right now, is it. Once you die, you are gone.

That was yesterday.

This morning I woke up and I felt different. I felt hopeful. I have had so many experiences in my life where I have had feelings and premonitions that have guided me. I trust my gut and my gut has never been wrong. So I decided to ask my gut about the existence of god, and my gut told me there is a god.

I do believe in God, but how this religion thing plays into it, I have no idea. This whole process is such a roller coaster ride. Yesterday I was in despair and today has brought hope. Apostasy is so bi-polar.

Sister Beck Strikes Again

For the full transcript of Sister Beck's talk, click here.

Ugh. Heaven help me. She speaks her nincompoopery again. She first spoke in the fall of 2007 at General Conference, giving this talk, which caused quite a stir in the Bloggernacle. I am not going to rehash her stupid GC talk here, but I am going to tear apart her article in the current issue of the March 2011 Ensign. The night I went to bed after reading her talk had me so agitated, that I had a difficult time falling asleep. I seriously wanted to go burn some bras on her perfectly manicured front lawn or punch her in the ovary. Her words poison any advancement for equality within The Church and influence the continuation of the sisters to be complacent to patriarchal authority. 


I have taken three paragraphs from her talk I found to be the most distressing and want to rebut them. In the first paragraph, she claims the family is under attack and gives several reasons and examples of what is causing its disintegration. In the second paragraph, she claims that the youth no longer believe in the institution of the family . Lastly, in the third paragraph she reminds us that we are commanded to have babies, babies, and more babies.


Here is the first paragraph.

In addition to understanding the theology of the family, we all need to understand the threats to the family. If we don’t, we can’t prepare for the battle. Evidence is all around us that the family is becoming less important. Marriage rates are declining, the age of marriage is rising, and divorce rates are rising. Out-of-wedlock births are growing. Abortion is rising and becoming increasingly legal. We see lower birth rates. We see unequal relationships between men and women, and we see cultures that still practice abuse within family relationships. Many times a career gains importance over the family.

In the 1950's and 60' era in which she was raised, this Leave it to Beaver/Father Knows Best traditional family ideal was common. Fast forward sixty-or-so years, this traditional family hardly exists. Today, almost every family has some smidgen of non-traditional familial "imperfection" and these imperfections are "threats", according to her. Members of such a family continually feel judged because church leaders continue to give license to cast judgment by pointing out these familial "flaws" ie divorce, out-of-wedlock children, homosexuality, working mom, etc. These words are hurtful, especially to the child who is conceived out-of-wedlock because they are not part of what church leaders define the family unit to be.


In a Mormon Utopian society, there would exist a dad, a mom and a passel of brats. The dad would be the provider with 8 - 5 job and the mom would be the nurturer 24/7/365. Together they would raise their children, but complete deference would be given to the dad because he was the priesthood holder and leader of the family. This is the Mormon definition of "family" and at the ripe old age of forty, Dad and Mom would become grandparents.


Sister Beck claims the ages in which a couple gets married is on the rise. If it were up to her, young women would follow her example and be married three months after they turn nineteen. Perhaps there is a correlation with age of marriage in the church and divorce rates in The Church. At the age of nineteen, a young woman or young man has not experienced life, nor have they become the person they will be. The early twenties are a time of growth and finding out who you truly are. Marriage is hard enough, but to add to that the changes a young person goes through can only lead to stress, confusion, and regret later in life.

Many of our youth are losing confidence in the institution of families. They’re placing more and more value on education and less and less importance on forming an eternal family. Many don’t see forming families as a faith-based work. For them, it’s a selection process much like shopping. Many also distrust their own moral strength and the moral strength of their peers. Because temptations are so fierce, many are not sure they can be successful in keeping covenants.

There are areas in The Church where there is a strong focus on preparation. For years, members have been told to prepare for the Second Coming by accumulating food storage. Missionaries are sent to the MTC to prepare for missions and not just thrown into the field unprepared. Before a couple marries in the temple, they are required to take a temple preparation class, although this is hardly a good example. However, when it comes to preparing for a family, The Church severely lacks guiding young couples. In fact, many leaders encourage jumping right into it without a plan. Part of forming an eternal family is ensuring there is a stable environment in which children can live. Even the dumbest bird knows to make a nest BEFORE you put the eggs in it. Shouldn't we have evolved more than the fouls of the air?


It is irresponsible and selfish for a married couple to bring children into the world without first ensuring they can provide for them. Education for BOTH parents, a secure job, a place to live, and even having health insurance are all part of building the nest. Pursing an education is this the best way to increase the odds that children will be provided for. Putting off children until you are financially mature and mentally mature can only strengthen the family unit. So many couples who marry young, start having children 9 months later, struggle with being able to provide for their family and continue to suffer the consequences years later by accruing debt. It is sickening how many plan to live off church and government welfare.  Many young couples are torn apart because of the stress they created by not choosing to prepare and build a proper nest.


President Hinckley stated: 

"It is so important that you young men and you young women get all of the education that you can. The Lord has said very plainly that His people are to gain knowledge of countries and kingdoms and of things of the world through the process of education, even by study and by faith." —Gordon B. Hinckley, "Inspirational Thoughts," Ensign, June 1999, 4

 And again:

"We believe in education. The Lord has laid a mandate upon His people that they become acquainted with the things of the earth, as well as the things of the Spirit. He has laid an obligation upon us to get all the schooling that we have. Education becomes the key of opportunity for everyone in this life. It may involve sacrifice, it may involve unusual effort, but with the help of heaven, it can be had." —Gordon B. Hinckley  “Inspirational Thoughts,” Ensign, June 1999, 4

And yet again:

"You belong to a church that teaches the importance of education. You have a mandate from the Lord to educate your minds and your hearts and your hands. . . . There can be no doubt, none whatever, that education pays. Do not short-circuit your lives. If you do so, you will pay for it over and over and over again." —Gordon B. Hinckley "A Prophet's Counsel and Prayer for Youth," Ensign, Jan. 2001, 4, 7

Somehow President Hinckley's counsel is lost, and young married couples continue to be ill-prepared for children. Why is the most influential female leader in the Church using that influence to promote ideals that are contrary President Hinckley's counsel? Education is so important for the youth to seek for many reasons. Nothing in life is guaranteed and should something happen to the provider of the family (death, disability, divorce), having an education, and therefore a better job, is a sure way to be able to pick up the reigns and move the family forward in a time of crisis.

The rising generation need to understand that the command to “multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28; Moses 2:28) remains in force. Bearing children is a faith-based work. President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) said, “It is an act of extreme selfishness for a married couple to refuse to have children when they are able to do so.” ⁴ Motherhood and fatherhood are eternal roles. Each carries the responsibility for either the male or the female half of the plan. Youth is the time to prepare for those eternal roles and responsibilities.

The quote from President Kimball is 32-years-old and was meant for members of a whole different time and era. Fast forward to the year 2011, when economic and financial crisis plague the world. Granted, in 1979, the Cold War was at its coldest, but current global issues are a huge threat to being able to provide for a family. Many married couples then, and now, continue to heed President Kimball's counsel by popping out kid after kid, after kid and fail to see the ramifications of their irresponsibility for a quote that is three decades old.


Nor do church members put in context the generation in which President Kimball was raised. President Kimball was pretty much part of the first generation of children born to the Mormons who migrated to Utah. The definition of family back then was MUCH, MUCH different than it is today and that is the context that informs the counsel he gives. He grew up when polygamy was on its deathbed and when families had numerous children, whether polygamist or not. So, naturally, the surroundings in which he was raised would influence his counsel to members some 70 years later, whether that be good counsel or not. 


Church leaders should not promote their own views, because once they do it is considered "gospel". Not everything that comes out of the prophet's mouth comes directly from God. The decision about having children should be between the couple and God and no other. Only the couple can judge whether their monetary means, maturity, and mental well-being are all in check in order to start having children. So many couples just jump into it without necessary preparation.


What's more, there is an extremely high use of anti-depressant use in the state of Utah. State of Utah = Lots of Mormons = Lots of mommies = Lots of kids = Lots of stress. If one of the members in a marriage has mental health issues, it would be pertinent a hundred times over for them to mentally prepare for children, especially if it is the to be mother. Pregnancy and the whole first year after is an emotional roller coaster. Some handle it better than others, but if one is mentally at a low-point, the LAST thing they should be doing is trying to conceive. It is not fair to the potential child to come into a family where the mother and father aren't at their mental best. So much of what parents do on a day-to-day basis is absorbed by their children, this also includes mental struggles. 


Sister Beck lives in a Disney-esc fantasy world and her words only add to the pressure women in the church feel to live up to her perfect, nonexistent ideal. And what happens when you do not reach perfection? A great deal of feeling failure and sorrow. I wish Sister Beck and her ilk would stay the hell out giving advice regarding the bedroom and the procreation process, and get back to canning in the kitchen where they belong... or back to 1950.


So thanks, Sister Beck. Thanks for setting back the struggle for equality in the church 60 years. Your words have done and do more harm than you know. I wish we could vote you off the island.

Coming Out Problems. Take One

Naturally, there have been several issues that have come up with Husband NotSo's family. We have only come out of the closet to his immediate family in the last few months. Of course we realize they are confused and hurt, and at a loss with what is going on. I have put myself in their shoes, for not too many years ago, if a sibling of mine had come out of the Mormon closet, I would feel a great sense of loss. My heart would be broken because I knew I would not get to see them in the eternities. So of course there is sorrow, pain, and confusion.


I guess I expected them to accept our new world view and move on without any further discussion. Somewhat naive of me, as to how this has not been the case. Things they are saying about us have trickled back to us, sometimes inadvertently, and what has trickled has been extremely hurtful. It is all I can do to not act like a bear out of hibernation, coming from its cave, to let a trespasser have it.


I just don't see them putting on our shoes and I doubt they will because of the zealous way people feel when it comes to their religion, especially the Mormon religion. When it comes to being a True Believing Mormon, or TBM, nothing can sway you from your beliefs. Those beliefs and faith in those beliefs are solid and become an absolute reality, so any other view is wrong and lacks truth. From day one, members are taught that Mormonism is the only true church on the earth and that it is, literally, the same church Christ lead when he was on the earth two-thousand years ago. Therefore, the other religions out there may be good, but they are wrong and do not have the full truth. Therefore, their members lack everything you need in order to live with God again.


Now we are out of the closet, we are lumped with the rest of the world, or Babylon, but in our case it is worse because we know better. We once "knew it was true" and now that we don't believe all of it anymore, our souls are doomed. I honestly do not feel my soul is doomed, nor do I feel those who are good people who are not Mormon are doomed. I believe there will be plenty of other non-Mormons living with God once again.


This is where my hurt feelings come into play. I am still the same person. I have not changed. I am a good person. A good mommy. A good neighbor. A good friend. I still look for opportunities to serve others and help others when I am out in public. I am still friendly and I will still tear you apart if you mess with me or any of my family. The only thing that has changed is what aspects I do and do not believe about Mormonism. Because I do not believe those things anymore does not automatically make me "one of them" or a bad person. I am not bad mouthing The Church, nor am I revealing the things I have found out to those around me nor will I.


So as for coming out, expect there to be problems within your family. Expect tears and awkwardness. Expect passive-aggressive ways of them getting you to "really think" about what you are doing.  Expect anger and hurt on both side. And don't be naive that they will just accept it because that is, truly, not reality.

The Purpose

There are several reasons I have created this blog. Even if nobody ever reads it, the first purpose of it is to clear my head. I am trying to figure out what kind of relationship I want to have with The Church and what kind of relationship I want my children to have with the church. I love the social aspect of my particular ward. A ton of new families have moved in and I feel a draw to go to church because these people have become my friends. What's more, it is so nice to have my daughter have other children she can play with.


This last week we had what I call "Entrapment", formerly known in The Church as Enrichment, and I really had a fun time. There was a ton of laughing and talking and eating. And I thought that the only reason I would ever come back to church would be to enjoy the sisterhood my ward holds. I do feel a bond with the sisters and I do feel like they ARE my ward family. If it were possible, I would love to do all the social stuff, and not attend church, but I am afraid doing that, would scare some sisters off and they wouldn't want to socialize with me just because it could be awkward for them.


Now, for me, I don't feel awkward about any of this. I am happy to call myself inactive and I have called myself so in front of some of my sister friends. "So that's gonna be how you get me to come back to church!" I laughingly exclaimed as one sister gave me something another sister left behind at my MIL's house. "Now I have to go to church to get it to her!" The two sisters I was talking to, know me well and laughed along. I detected no awkwardness.


Another reason I have created this blog is to use it as a tool when, one day, I decide to come out-of-the Mormon closet to my family. Fortunately, my family lives way across the country from me, so they are not privy to my inactivity and my sketchiness of The Church. Families can be crushed and relationships ruined when a child/sibling leaves the church. Although I know I can not control their reactions, I hope to soften it by blogging about my feelings and the inner turmoil I am going through. I would like them to understand this isn't a rash decision, but something that has been well-thought out. I want them to see that I am still the same person. The same old me. I just don't believe what they believe anymore and what those "things" are will be blogged about soon.


I worry most about my father's and older sister's reaction. My sister and I got into a brief discussion this past fall about the whole Prop 8/gay thing and it quickly turned into a debate. I didn't want to go in depth regarding my feelings about it, so I put up my white flag and surrendered. I wasn't on my home turf, nor did I have a coalition of the willing on my side, so at that point it was an easy decision to not let it get out of control.


So anyway. There you go. More to come later. More to think of now.

In The Beginning...

I am a lifer. Ancestors on both sides of my family crossed the plains to seek refuge from anti-Mormon persecution. My great-great something-or-other was even a member of Pitts Brass Band who crossed with Brigham Young. I have always found it somewhat ironic my ancestors went through the hardships pushing handcarts and driving their wagons, mile after mile, to find refuge in the Salt Lake Valley, only to have me, their descendent, live from whence they came.

I grew up in Sandy, Utah at the foot of my Wasatch Mountains, in the heart of all Mormondom. I ate it. I drank it and breathed it. I have to many a football game in the formerly named, "Cougar Stadium" in my younger years. Whenever the BYU Cougars lost to the evil, dreaded Utah Utes, my heart would always sink. For how could God let the True Church be defeated by those heathens? And their school colors were RED! Is that not the color of the devil?

Of the five of my siblings, three have served LDS missions, all five have been endowed in the Riverton Temple, and four have been sealed in the temple. We always went to church growing up; and during different chapters in our family book, we practiced our religion at various levels. When Dad was in the Stake Presidency, we would read the BOM after dinner. When Older Brother was on his mission, we would have family prayer. Those religious practices were not very consistent growing up. Only FHE had some consistency, as it was usually held Sunday afternoon, after naps, after church.

Of the siblings, I would say I was the most devout. Everything was very black and white and everything in the world made perfect sense. Many a Fast and Testimony Meeting I proclaimed, "How couldn't it be true?" I very much enjoyed tattling my sibling's sins and because of this, I was always the odd-man-out and felt picked on, for how could one handle such a Pharisee as a sibling? No matter. I channeled that hurt into getting good grades in school and accomplishing other academic achievements.

I would say I did have many friends in school, but not many close friends. Believe-it-or-not, with Mormons being known to have a bazillion children, there was not a single girl my age, in my grade, growing up in my ward. I was kind of a loner, a loner at home and a loner in the neighborhood. Because of this, I believe I formed a stronger bond with my mother than most other young girls my age had. I mean, don't most teenage girls hate their mothers? Many a time, Mom and I would pack up our fishing poles and head up to Silver Lake at Brighton to go fishing together. Mom was and still continues to be one of my best friends, although, with little less dependence on my part these days.

Growing up in the church, I have always felt slighted for being female. I have always had a little feminist inside me, waiting to burn my bra, and there have always been things I did not like about being Mormon, and later, The Church. I loathed the fact the Young Men would go off on their rafting and backpacking adventures, and the Young Woman were left at home learning how to make another craft. During my college years, I learned other things about the church I did not particularly like. Troubling issues, such as polygamy, I tended to put on the back burner because it was easier not to deal with it. It was not until about three years ago other issues came to a head. Those being: Prop 8, the truthfulness of the BOM, JS, the ERA, things about the temple ceremony, and inequality.

This spring, I will have been married for twelve years. During those twelve years, our activity in the church has varied. When we lived on our own, we did not attend church and I chalked that up mostly to us being lazy, not really knowing Hubs had other reasons. We lived with my PILs for a few years while Hubs was in grad school; we became active, holding various callings. It was kind of an unspoken requirement for us to attend church as a condition of living in the basement, but it was also easier to go because of the social aspects of it. For the first time in my life, I had friends, dear friends who accepted me and loved me for how quirky I was.

Once we moved out and out of the ward boundaries, inactivity followed, until the PILS followed us to the small town in which we now reside and then activity commenced. In the last year, we have not felt much of a pull in going to church, nor have cared if we were expected to go by the PILS. There are many reasons behind our inactivity, many of which will be blogged about here, but for now, this is just an introduction, merely to give you the jest and insight into how I came to the current feelings I have towards The Church.

The purpose of this blog will come later too, but for now, this is a little glimpse into my life for you. Enjoy.