Not-So Good Day

As you have read, in the last ten months, Husband Notso and I have finally come to the point of letting our beliefs in the church go. Over the past ten years, or so, he kept some of his more radical thoughts to himself because he was afraid of what I would think. After some seeking and pondering and podcasting, we started an open dialog, paralleled our religious beliefs, and I learned things I had not known about the church. Many of these things were so disappointing and I was hurt. I was hurt because this once great thing and part of my life was not what it seemed to be.

Husband Notso told his parents and two brothers he no longer believed, which, of course, was not received well. Since then, we have gone through various phases of awkwardness, denial, indifference... All-in-all, I think they have handled it well, but slowly things have been trickling back to us through various conversations he has been having with different members of his family regarding our apostasy.

These "tricklings" have been extremely hurtful. We have been called "selfish", that we live in a world of "hyperbole" and, more specifically, that I "...would brew a pot of coffee..." at our family annual beach trip "...just for shock value...". If I were going for shock value, I think I would be more creative other than brewing a pot of coffee.

Even before all the $hit hit the fan, I have had an irreverent sense of humor, but now my irreverent jests are now "hurtful" and are out-of-place. It has been SO DIFFICULT keeping my mouth shut. I know speaking my mind would make things worse and would be unproductive. I have known his family since 1996 and it is like they do not remember what I am like or who I am.

I am still the SAME person. I am not EVIL. I do not and will not purposefully shove in their faces my new lifestyle. In fact, feel like I am going out-of-my-way to make sure I will not offend them in any way in order to make this situation less awkward. When I am around his family, I wear "modest" clothing, even though I have ditched the magic underwear long ago. I will not "brew a pot of coffee" just for shock value. Now, it is as if I need to prove to them I am a good person, when I already was a good person.


And I admit, I like my occasional Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks, but I am far from brewing pots of coffee in the morning. I am SO tempted to just go ahead and brew a pot at the beach and not drink a drop just to show them how stupid they are.

A Good Day

Today is a good day. The house is a wreck, but I feel like a got a lot done. Daughter NotSo had preschool this morning and I was planning on skipping it. I had gotten up late and I absolutely loathe trying to rush out the door when there are two children to get ready. Daughter NotSo seems to only have two speeds: slow and huh?. So it was already 9:30 in the morning, when preschool starts, and I said to myself, "Just do it!"


So I did it and it wasn't that bad. I didn't feel rushed or stressed. I even had time to make her a sack lunch. After dropping Daughter NotSo off, a little late, I hit the grocery store and bought stuff for us and our neighbors who had just had a baby. I told them I would be bringing them dinner and today I felt motivated to do so.


Son NoSo and I made it home and I started prepping the dinner, when my friend and other neighbor dropped her daughter off for me to watch while she went to teach her comm call class. Our daughters are the same age, so they play together and well at that. After a bit, we all loaded in the car to pick up Daughter NotSo from preschool, then home again, where dinner preparation continued and the kids played.


I want to do nice things for people, but sometimes it is so damn hard for me to comment. My MIL was in the RS Presidency of our ward for the last few years, so I was called upon many times to help her. I am happy to help, but when the children at home don't cooperate with what I need to accomplish, it can get stressful, and I feel pressure and anxiety in trying to achieve what I need to do to help my MIL out, or anyone for that matter. Hence my reluctance to comment to anything because in my head, it equals stress.


So why was today good, you ask? Today was good because I was able to make dinner for my neighbors and there was very little stress in doing so. I was able to enjoy the service I was preforming. I love the feeling of doing something nice for someone else. Not because I think I am wonderful, but because I need those good vibrations in my life. I have such a hard time being happy that if I can grasp onto any happiness floating our there, I will.


It is so important to me that I remain in the service of my fellow being even though I am not attending church. I am still a good person, with a good heart, and I want to do good things. Just because I don't commit to three hours every Sunday does not mean I am a bad person. The teaching of Christ I believe to be most fundamental in my life is loving on another. So many times we are more concerned with the rules, rather than with the person. Rules are made to be broken, hearts aren't. I am glad I was able to do something nice today.

The Cafeteria is Open

Some of the things said over the pulpit during conference drive me bonkers. Well, there are actually several things that drive me nuts about conference. One: Lack of female speakers. Two: The "conference cadence". Three: Constant stream of nincompoopery... see below.

"Teach of faith to keep all the commandments of God, knowing that they are given to bless His children and bring them joy. Forewarn them that they will encounter people who pick which commandments they will keep and ignore others that they choose to break. I call this the cafeteria approach to obedience. This practice of picking and choosing will not work. It will lead to misery. To prepare to meet God, one keeps all of His commandments. It takes faith to obey them, and keeping His commandments will strengthen that faith" Elder Nelson, April 2011

I love how he uses the term "cafeteria approach to obedience", as if this were a term he cleverly came up with all on his own. I even went back to listen to the clip to see if he got any laughs out of the congregation. Yes. There is a soft, audible chuckle for a few seconds before he continues. Lame. This term has been in use in forums and facebook groups long before Elder Nelson spoke of it in conference. So do not give him any of the clever credit. He took one of our phrases.


And by our, I mean us "Cafeteria Mormons". Yes. I am a Cafeteria Mormon. I do pick and chose the commandments which I want to live. It is FINALLY nice to get some kind of recognition from The Church that there is a fragment of its members out there who want to be Mormon, but do not swallow EVERYTHING they serve in the cafeteria... And to continue on the cafeteria analogy, if I may, we all know what happens if you eat everything they serve in the cafeteria... You get fat and immovable.


I believe God wants us to think for ourselves and make decisions based on the Savior's example. Allowing others to think for you is lazy and can cause confusion when, one day, your designated thinkers sway from their teachings. I can think of several instances of this throughout church history where its prophets swayed from what the previous prophet said. Polygamy, anyone?  Adam/God theory, anyone? Blacks and the Priesthood, anyone? And how does the church apologize for these deferences when God remains ever consistent?


I think there are enough TBM zealots out there who would follow the prophet off a cliff and continue justifying it until their guts were splattered on the ground. I wonder if TBMs truly understand the significance of the very foundational question of which The Church was founded. Joesph Smith, himself had a question and one day, while reading the bible, he came across that poignant scripture in James, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all [men] liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him". Meaning, if you have a question, ask God what it is and he will help you get the answer.


That scripture is not just limited to Joesph Smith and his question to God, nor is it limited to only modern-day prophets. It is there for ALL of us to read and to use when we have questions. Just because a member choses to find for themselves whether-or-not the direction a modern-day prophet is valid, does not mean they are unfaithful or evil. It means they are thinkers and want to do thinking and get conformation for themselves. I believe The Church holds itself as the highest, supreme power and government for all people. Even though there are governments leading its countrymen, I believe the church quietly scoffs at these governments and rules its people, winking from the sidelines. 


There is a higher power and authority which a person can seek input and that is seeking answers, as the scripture says, from God himself. When the phone system was first around, a person would have to call into an operator, who would then plug them into the extension of the person they were seeking. The Church does not need to be your operator. Just as we can now call people today without a third-party "assistance", we can talk to God without interference of the church. So when it comes to commandments and "picking which ones to follow", I believe it is between that person and God. Period.


Another troublesome issue in his talk was his heed at warning your children of "...people who pick which commandments they will keep and ignore the others they chose to break..." Really? We need to warn our children of these people as if they are evil, un-Christlike or lepers?


This statement is so damaging in so many ways. Especially the word "warning". A warning is a way of announcing to those a threat or impending danger is nigh, so a person should beware and take shelter. Just as a tornado siren warns a tornado, parents need to use their "siren" to warn against us evil-doing, pick and choose, Cafeteria Mormons. A statement like that only gives children and parents a license to JUDGE others who THEY see are not following the commandments. 


There are so many people out there in this silly world who live better Christlike lives than most Mormons and these are the same people who might have a drink of wine or coffee, or smoke, or wear sleeveless tops! The horror of them all! Teaching children to reject those around them only teaches them to judge and fear. This is the COMPLETE opposite of what Christ taught. He healed the leper. Forgave the adulteress. Blessed the children and taught us to "love one another". Nobody was off-limits to the Savior. His love was and is for everyone and was and is not limited to the sickest, saddest individual who has ever lived or is living.


So, instead, Elder Nelson wants us to avoid these people. Perhaps even shun them from our lives and no doubt, many TBM will. The Cafeteria Mormons he is warning of are your parents, your siblings, your friends, your neighbors. I am a Cafeteria Mormon. Elder Nelson is warning you about me. Me, people. Me. I, whom tries daily to live a Christlike life. I need not prove my Christlike ways today or ever. I will not give examples of what I try to do on a daily basis because I am confident enough I am living a good life. Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I judge. But most of the time my love for people shines through and that creates true happiness.


The fact that my picking and choosing will cause me "misery", as Elder Nelson puts it, is something I will just have to risk. So far I am not miserable. I am happy. In fact, I had one of those fleeting moments of happiness today, where my soul tuned in and everything just seemed right and good. Knowing the quirks I know about the church and turning a blind eye to it would case me more misery because my integrity would be challenged. I would rather keep my integrity and confidence because I am choosing to live my life and have it on par with what God wants. There are many ways to God. Mormonism may be just another way to get there, it is not the ONLY way to get there. To say otherwise is smug... and wrong.

So for those of you choosing to eat all the cafeteria food, I hope you will enjoy it.  As for me and my house, we will pick what items will be most delicious and nutritious to our tummys and warn nobody about the food. Now, doesn't that Jell-o salad look good? 

The Difference a Day Makes

Yesterday I was scared. I was scared and angry. I was hurting and I was disappointed. I felt so empty and alone. And it seems like this is all a phase. Like one day everything will be back to normal and we will be heading back to church doing the whole Mormon thing allover again. But I know this is not a phase. This is real and it is a process of finding a place where I will be happiest.


The Church, to me, was this perfect thing, this perfect entity. Sure there were and are idiots in it, but the structure itself was perfect. It was right. It was good. It was home. It was my history, my culture. I respected my leaders, from old Primary teachers up to the prophet. I loved President Hinckley. He seemed so real and had such a refreshing sense of humor. The church was mine. It was me. I was it.


Now... Now I feel like I have lost something. Something I dearly loved and had in common with so many friends and family is gone. Things I once blindly believed have been ripped from me and the real truth has replaced it. I decided I needed to strip everything down, start over, and find out if there really is a god. Yesterday I felt helpless and hopeless and scared. I kept asking myself, "What if there isn't a god? What if this is it?" I have been praying for something, anything from some higher life form to confirm its existence. I have been desperately hoping my fears are incorrect.


I fear death. I fear dying young and not being able to see my husband or dear children again, because what if there is not an afterlife? I have been mislead on so many other things regarding the church, perhaps an afterlife is also a mirage. What if you die and this is it? It deeply sorrows me and frightens me that if I die young, I won't be able to hold my children again. I won't be able to touch my nose to my son's head and breath in his sweet smell. Or snuggle with my daughter and listen to her soft breathing.

If there is no god, there is no afterlife and this, right now, is it. Once you die, you are gone.

That was yesterday.

This morning I woke up and I felt different. I felt hopeful. I have had so many experiences in my life where I have had feelings and premonitions that have guided me. I trust my gut and my gut has never been wrong. So I decided to ask my gut about the existence of god, and my gut told me there is a god.

I do believe in God, but how this religion thing plays into it, I have no idea. This whole process is such a roller coaster ride. Yesterday I was in despair and today has brought hope. Apostasy is so bi-polar.

Sister Beck Strikes Again

For the full transcript of Sister Beck's talk, click here.

Ugh. Heaven help me. She speaks her nincompoopery again. She first spoke in the fall of 2007 at General Conference, giving this talk, which caused quite a stir in the Bloggernacle. I am not going to rehash her stupid GC talk here, but I am going to tear apart her article in the current issue of the March 2011 Ensign. The night I went to bed after reading her talk had me so agitated, that I had a difficult time falling asleep. I seriously wanted to go burn some bras on her perfectly manicured front lawn or punch her in the ovary. Her words poison any advancement for equality within The Church and influence the continuation of the sisters to be complacent to patriarchal authority. 


I have taken three paragraphs from her talk I found to be the most distressing and want to rebut them. In the first paragraph, she claims the family is under attack and gives several reasons and examples of what is causing its disintegration. In the second paragraph, she claims that the youth no longer believe in the institution of the family . Lastly, in the third paragraph she reminds us that we are commanded to have babies, babies, and more babies.


Here is the first paragraph.

In addition to understanding the theology of the family, we all need to understand the threats to the family. If we don’t, we can’t prepare for the battle. Evidence is all around us that the family is becoming less important. Marriage rates are declining, the age of marriage is rising, and divorce rates are rising. Out-of-wedlock births are growing. Abortion is rising and becoming increasingly legal. We see lower birth rates. We see unequal relationships between men and women, and we see cultures that still practice abuse within family relationships. Many times a career gains importance over the family.

In the 1950's and 60' era in which she was raised, this Leave it to Beaver/Father Knows Best traditional family ideal was common. Fast forward sixty-or-so years, this traditional family hardly exists. Today, almost every family has some smidgen of non-traditional familial "imperfection" and these imperfections are "threats", according to her. Members of such a family continually feel judged because church leaders continue to give license to cast judgment by pointing out these familial "flaws" ie divorce, out-of-wedlock children, homosexuality, working mom, etc. These words are hurtful, especially to the child who is conceived out-of-wedlock because they are not part of what church leaders define the family unit to be.


In a Mormon Utopian society, there would exist a dad, a mom and a passel of brats. The dad would be the provider with 8 - 5 job and the mom would be the nurturer 24/7/365. Together they would raise their children, but complete deference would be given to the dad because he was the priesthood holder and leader of the family. This is the Mormon definition of "family" and at the ripe old age of forty, Dad and Mom would become grandparents.


Sister Beck claims the ages in which a couple gets married is on the rise. If it were up to her, young women would follow her example and be married three months after they turn nineteen. Perhaps there is a correlation with age of marriage in the church and divorce rates in The Church. At the age of nineteen, a young woman or young man has not experienced life, nor have they become the person they will be. The early twenties are a time of growth and finding out who you truly are. Marriage is hard enough, but to add to that the changes a young person goes through can only lead to stress, confusion, and regret later in life.

Many of our youth are losing confidence in the institution of families. They’re placing more and more value on education and less and less importance on forming an eternal family. Many don’t see forming families as a faith-based work. For them, it’s a selection process much like shopping. Many also distrust their own moral strength and the moral strength of their peers. Because temptations are so fierce, many are not sure they can be successful in keeping covenants.

There are areas in The Church where there is a strong focus on preparation. For years, members have been told to prepare for the Second Coming by accumulating food storage. Missionaries are sent to the MTC to prepare for missions and not just thrown into the field unprepared. Before a couple marries in the temple, they are required to take a temple preparation class, although this is hardly a good example. However, when it comes to preparing for a family, The Church severely lacks guiding young couples. In fact, many leaders encourage jumping right into it without a plan. Part of forming an eternal family is ensuring there is a stable environment in which children can live. Even the dumbest bird knows to make a nest BEFORE you put the eggs in it. Shouldn't we have evolved more than the fouls of the air?


It is irresponsible and selfish for a married couple to bring children into the world without first ensuring they can provide for them. Education for BOTH parents, a secure job, a place to live, and even having health insurance are all part of building the nest. Pursing an education is this the best way to increase the odds that children will be provided for. Putting off children until you are financially mature and mentally mature can only strengthen the family unit. So many couples who marry young, start having children 9 months later, struggle with being able to provide for their family and continue to suffer the consequences years later by accruing debt. It is sickening how many plan to live off church and government welfare.  Many young couples are torn apart because of the stress they created by not choosing to prepare and build a proper nest.


President Hinckley stated: 

"It is so important that you young men and you young women get all of the education that you can. The Lord has said very plainly that His people are to gain knowledge of countries and kingdoms and of things of the world through the process of education, even by study and by faith." —Gordon B. Hinckley, "Inspirational Thoughts," Ensign, June 1999, 4

 And again:

"We believe in education. The Lord has laid a mandate upon His people that they become acquainted with the things of the earth, as well as the things of the Spirit. He has laid an obligation upon us to get all the schooling that we have. Education becomes the key of opportunity for everyone in this life. It may involve sacrifice, it may involve unusual effort, but with the help of heaven, it can be had." —Gordon B. Hinckley  “Inspirational Thoughts,” Ensign, June 1999, 4

And yet again:

"You belong to a church that teaches the importance of education. You have a mandate from the Lord to educate your minds and your hearts and your hands. . . . There can be no doubt, none whatever, that education pays. Do not short-circuit your lives. If you do so, you will pay for it over and over and over again." —Gordon B. Hinckley "A Prophet's Counsel and Prayer for Youth," Ensign, Jan. 2001, 4, 7

Somehow President Hinckley's counsel is lost, and young married couples continue to be ill-prepared for children. Why is the most influential female leader in the Church using that influence to promote ideals that are contrary President Hinckley's counsel? Education is so important for the youth to seek for many reasons. Nothing in life is guaranteed and should something happen to the provider of the family (death, disability, divorce), having an education, and therefore a better job, is a sure way to be able to pick up the reigns and move the family forward in a time of crisis.

The rising generation need to understand that the command to “multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28; Moses 2:28) remains in force. Bearing children is a faith-based work. President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) said, “It is an act of extreme selfishness for a married couple to refuse to have children when they are able to do so.” ⁴ Motherhood and fatherhood are eternal roles. Each carries the responsibility for either the male or the female half of the plan. Youth is the time to prepare for those eternal roles and responsibilities.

The quote from President Kimball is 32-years-old and was meant for members of a whole different time and era. Fast forward to the year 2011, when economic and financial crisis plague the world. Granted, in 1979, the Cold War was at its coldest, but current global issues are a huge threat to being able to provide for a family. Many married couples then, and now, continue to heed President Kimball's counsel by popping out kid after kid, after kid and fail to see the ramifications of their irresponsibility for a quote that is three decades old.


Nor do church members put in context the generation in which President Kimball was raised. President Kimball was pretty much part of the first generation of children born to the Mormons who migrated to Utah. The definition of family back then was MUCH, MUCH different than it is today and that is the context that informs the counsel he gives. He grew up when polygamy was on its deathbed and when families had numerous children, whether polygamist or not. So, naturally, the surroundings in which he was raised would influence his counsel to members some 70 years later, whether that be good counsel or not. 


Church leaders should not promote their own views, because once they do it is considered "gospel". Not everything that comes out of the prophet's mouth comes directly from God. The decision about having children should be between the couple and God and no other. Only the couple can judge whether their monetary means, maturity, and mental well-being are all in check in order to start having children. So many couples just jump into it without necessary preparation.


What's more, there is an extremely high use of anti-depressant use in the state of Utah. State of Utah = Lots of Mormons = Lots of mommies = Lots of kids = Lots of stress. If one of the members in a marriage has mental health issues, it would be pertinent a hundred times over for them to mentally prepare for children, especially if it is the to be mother. Pregnancy and the whole first year after is an emotional roller coaster. Some handle it better than others, but if one is mentally at a low-point, the LAST thing they should be doing is trying to conceive. It is not fair to the potential child to come into a family where the mother and father aren't at their mental best. So much of what parents do on a day-to-day basis is absorbed by their children, this also includes mental struggles. 


Sister Beck lives in a Disney-esc fantasy world and her words only add to the pressure women in the church feel to live up to her perfect, nonexistent ideal. And what happens when you do not reach perfection? A great deal of feeling failure and sorrow. I wish Sister Beck and her ilk would stay the hell out giving advice regarding the bedroom and the procreation process, and get back to canning in the kitchen where they belong... or back to 1950.


So thanks, Sister Beck. Thanks for setting back the struggle for equality in the church 60 years. Your words have done and do more harm than you know. I wish we could vote you off the island.

Coming Out Problems. Take One

Naturally, there have been several issues that have come up with Husband NotSo's family. We have only come out of the closet to his immediate family in the last few months. Of course we realize they are confused and hurt, and at a loss with what is going on. I have put myself in their shoes, for not too many years ago, if a sibling of mine had come out of the Mormon closet, I would feel a great sense of loss. My heart would be broken because I knew I would not get to see them in the eternities. So of course there is sorrow, pain, and confusion.


I guess I expected them to accept our new world view and move on without any further discussion. Somewhat naive of me, as to how this has not been the case. Things they are saying about us have trickled back to us, sometimes inadvertently, and what has trickled has been extremely hurtful. It is all I can do to not act like a bear out of hibernation, coming from its cave, to let a trespasser have it.


I just don't see them putting on our shoes and I doubt they will because of the zealous way people feel when it comes to their religion, especially the Mormon religion. When it comes to being a True Believing Mormon, or TBM, nothing can sway you from your beliefs. Those beliefs and faith in those beliefs are solid and become an absolute reality, so any other view is wrong and lacks truth. From day one, members are taught that Mormonism is the only true church on the earth and that it is, literally, the same church Christ lead when he was on the earth two-thousand years ago. Therefore, the other religions out there may be good, but they are wrong and do not have the full truth. Therefore, their members lack everything you need in order to live with God again.


Now we are out of the closet, we are lumped with the rest of the world, or Babylon, but in our case it is worse because we know better. We once "knew it was true" and now that we don't believe all of it anymore, our souls are doomed. I honestly do not feel my soul is doomed, nor do I feel those who are good people who are not Mormon are doomed. I believe there will be plenty of other non-Mormons living with God once again.


This is where my hurt feelings come into play. I am still the same person. I have not changed. I am a good person. A good mommy. A good neighbor. A good friend. I still look for opportunities to serve others and help others when I am out in public. I am still friendly and I will still tear you apart if you mess with me or any of my family. The only thing that has changed is what aspects I do and do not believe about Mormonism. Because I do not believe those things anymore does not automatically make me "one of them" or a bad person. I am not bad mouthing The Church, nor am I revealing the things I have found out to those around me nor will I.


So as for coming out, expect there to be problems within your family. Expect tears and awkwardness. Expect passive-aggressive ways of them getting you to "really think" about what you are doing.  Expect anger and hurt on both side. And don't be naive that they will just accept it because that is, truly, not reality.

The Purpose

There are several reasons I have created this blog. Even if nobody ever reads it, the first purpose of it is to clear my head. I am trying to figure out what kind of relationship I want to have with The Church and what kind of relationship I want my children to have with the church. I love the social aspect of my particular ward. A ton of new families have moved in and I feel a draw to go to church because these people have become my friends. What's more, it is so nice to have my daughter have other children she can play with.


This last week we had what I call "Entrapment", formerly known in The Church as Enrichment, and I really had a fun time. There was a ton of laughing and talking and eating. And I thought that the only reason I would ever come back to church would be to enjoy the sisterhood my ward holds. I do feel a bond with the sisters and I do feel like they ARE my ward family. If it were possible, I would love to do all the social stuff, and not attend church, but I am afraid doing that, would scare some sisters off and they wouldn't want to socialize with me just because it could be awkward for them.


Now, for me, I don't feel awkward about any of this. I am happy to call myself inactive and I have called myself so in front of some of my sister friends. "So that's gonna be how you get me to come back to church!" I laughingly exclaimed as one sister gave me something another sister left behind at my MIL's house. "Now I have to go to church to get it to her!" The two sisters I was talking to, know me well and laughed along. I detected no awkwardness.


Another reason I have created this blog is to use it as a tool when, one day, I decide to come out-of-the Mormon closet to my family. Fortunately, my family lives way across the country from me, so they are not privy to my inactivity and my sketchiness of The Church. Families can be crushed and relationships ruined when a child/sibling leaves the church. Although I know I can not control their reactions, I hope to soften it by blogging about my feelings and the inner turmoil I am going through. I would like them to understand this isn't a rash decision, but something that has been well-thought out. I want them to see that I am still the same person. The same old me. I just don't believe what they believe anymore and what those "things" are will be blogged about soon.


I worry most about my father's and older sister's reaction. My sister and I got into a brief discussion this past fall about the whole Prop 8/gay thing and it quickly turned into a debate. I didn't want to go in depth regarding my feelings about it, so I put up my white flag and surrendered. I wasn't on my home turf, nor did I have a coalition of the willing on my side, so at that point it was an easy decision to not let it get out of control.


So anyway. There you go. More to come later. More to think of now.