The Difference a Day Makes

Yesterday I was scared. I was scared and angry. I was hurting and I was disappointed. I felt so empty and alone. And it seems like this is all a phase. Like one day everything will be back to normal and we will be heading back to church doing the whole Mormon thing allover again. But I know this is not a phase. This is real and it is a process of finding a place where I will be happiest.


The Church, to me, was this perfect thing, this perfect entity. Sure there were and are idiots in it, but the structure itself was perfect. It was right. It was good. It was home. It was my history, my culture. I respected my leaders, from old Primary teachers up to the prophet. I loved President Hinckley. He seemed so real and had such a refreshing sense of humor. The church was mine. It was me. I was it.


Now... Now I feel like I have lost something. Something I dearly loved and had in common with so many friends and family is gone. Things I once blindly believed have been ripped from me and the real truth has replaced it. I decided I needed to strip everything down, start over, and find out if there really is a god. Yesterday I felt helpless and hopeless and scared. I kept asking myself, "What if there isn't a god? What if this is it?" I have been praying for something, anything from some higher life form to confirm its existence. I have been desperately hoping my fears are incorrect.


I fear death. I fear dying young and not being able to see my husband or dear children again, because what if there is not an afterlife? I have been mislead on so many other things regarding the church, perhaps an afterlife is also a mirage. What if you die and this is it? It deeply sorrows me and frightens me that if I die young, I won't be able to hold my children again. I won't be able to touch my nose to my son's head and breath in his sweet smell. Or snuggle with my daughter and listen to her soft breathing.

If there is no god, there is no afterlife and this, right now, is it. Once you die, you are gone.

That was yesterday.

This morning I woke up and I felt different. I felt hopeful. I have had so many experiences in my life where I have had feelings and premonitions that have guided me. I trust my gut and my gut has never been wrong. So I decided to ask my gut about the existence of god, and my gut told me there is a god.

I do believe in God, but how this religion thing plays into it, I have no idea. This whole process is such a roller coaster ride. Yesterday I was in despair and today has brought hope. Apostasy is so bi-polar.

Sister Beck Strikes Again

For the full transcript of Sister Beck's talk, click here.

Ugh. Heaven help me. She speaks her nincompoopery again. She first spoke in the fall of 2007 at General Conference, giving this talk, which caused quite a stir in the Bloggernacle. I am not going to rehash her stupid GC talk here, but I am going to tear apart her article in the current issue of the March 2011 Ensign. The night I went to bed after reading her talk had me so agitated, that I had a difficult time falling asleep. I seriously wanted to go burn some bras on her perfectly manicured front lawn or punch her in the ovary. Her words poison any advancement for equality within The Church and influence the continuation of the sisters to be complacent to patriarchal authority. 


I have taken three paragraphs from her talk I found to be the most distressing and want to rebut them. In the first paragraph, she claims the family is under attack and gives several reasons and examples of what is causing its disintegration. In the second paragraph, she claims that the youth no longer believe in the institution of the family . Lastly, in the third paragraph she reminds us that we are commanded to have babies, babies, and more babies.


Here is the first paragraph.

In addition to understanding the theology of the family, we all need to understand the threats to the family. If we don’t, we can’t prepare for the battle. Evidence is all around us that the family is becoming less important. Marriage rates are declining, the age of marriage is rising, and divorce rates are rising. Out-of-wedlock births are growing. Abortion is rising and becoming increasingly legal. We see lower birth rates. We see unequal relationships between men and women, and we see cultures that still practice abuse within family relationships. Many times a career gains importance over the family.

In the 1950's and 60' era in which she was raised, this Leave it to Beaver/Father Knows Best traditional family ideal was common. Fast forward sixty-or-so years, this traditional family hardly exists. Today, almost every family has some smidgen of non-traditional familial "imperfection" and these imperfections are "threats", according to her. Members of such a family continually feel judged because church leaders continue to give license to cast judgment by pointing out these familial "flaws" ie divorce, out-of-wedlock children, homosexuality, working mom, etc. These words are hurtful, especially to the child who is conceived out-of-wedlock because they are not part of what church leaders define the family unit to be.


In a Mormon Utopian society, there would exist a dad, a mom and a passel of brats. The dad would be the provider with 8 - 5 job and the mom would be the nurturer 24/7/365. Together they would raise their children, but complete deference would be given to the dad because he was the priesthood holder and leader of the family. This is the Mormon definition of "family" and at the ripe old age of forty, Dad and Mom would become grandparents.


Sister Beck claims the ages in which a couple gets married is on the rise. If it were up to her, young women would follow her example and be married three months after they turn nineteen. Perhaps there is a correlation with age of marriage in the church and divorce rates in The Church. At the age of nineteen, a young woman or young man has not experienced life, nor have they become the person they will be. The early twenties are a time of growth and finding out who you truly are. Marriage is hard enough, but to add to that the changes a young person goes through can only lead to stress, confusion, and regret later in life.

Many of our youth are losing confidence in the institution of families. They’re placing more and more value on education and less and less importance on forming an eternal family. Many don’t see forming families as a faith-based work. For them, it’s a selection process much like shopping. Many also distrust their own moral strength and the moral strength of their peers. Because temptations are so fierce, many are not sure they can be successful in keeping covenants.

There are areas in The Church where there is a strong focus on preparation. For years, members have been told to prepare for the Second Coming by accumulating food storage. Missionaries are sent to the MTC to prepare for missions and not just thrown into the field unprepared. Before a couple marries in the temple, they are required to take a temple preparation class, although this is hardly a good example. However, when it comes to preparing for a family, The Church severely lacks guiding young couples. In fact, many leaders encourage jumping right into it without a plan. Part of forming an eternal family is ensuring there is a stable environment in which children can live. Even the dumbest bird knows to make a nest BEFORE you put the eggs in it. Shouldn't we have evolved more than the fouls of the air?


It is irresponsible and selfish for a married couple to bring children into the world without first ensuring they can provide for them. Education for BOTH parents, a secure job, a place to live, and even having health insurance are all part of building the nest. Pursing an education is this the best way to increase the odds that children will be provided for. Putting off children until you are financially mature and mentally mature can only strengthen the family unit. So many couples who marry young, start having children 9 months later, struggle with being able to provide for their family and continue to suffer the consequences years later by accruing debt. It is sickening how many plan to live off church and government welfare.  Many young couples are torn apart because of the stress they created by not choosing to prepare and build a proper nest.


President Hinckley stated: 

"It is so important that you young men and you young women get all of the education that you can. The Lord has said very plainly that His people are to gain knowledge of countries and kingdoms and of things of the world through the process of education, even by study and by faith." —Gordon B. Hinckley, "Inspirational Thoughts," Ensign, June 1999, 4

 And again:

"We believe in education. The Lord has laid a mandate upon His people that they become acquainted with the things of the earth, as well as the things of the Spirit. He has laid an obligation upon us to get all the schooling that we have. Education becomes the key of opportunity for everyone in this life. It may involve sacrifice, it may involve unusual effort, but with the help of heaven, it can be had." —Gordon B. Hinckley  “Inspirational Thoughts,” Ensign, June 1999, 4

And yet again:

"You belong to a church that teaches the importance of education. You have a mandate from the Lord to educate your minds and your hearts and your hands. . . . There can be no doubt, none whatever, that education pays. Do not short-circuit your lives. If you do so, you will pay for it over and over and over again." —Gordon B. Hinckley "A Prophet's Counsel and Prayer for Youth," Ensign, Jan. 2001, 4, 7

Somehow President Hinckley's counsel is lost, and young married couples continue to be ill-prepared for children. Why is the most influential female leader in the Church using that influence to promote ideals that are contrary President Hinckley's counsel? Education is so important for the youth to seek for many reasons. Nothing in life is guaranteed and should something happen to the provider of the family (death, disability, divorce), having an education, and therefore a better job, is a sure way to be able to pick up the reigns and move the family forward in a time of crisis.

The rising generation need to understand that the command to “multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28; Moses 2:28) remains in force. Bearing children is a faith-based work. President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) said, “It is an act of extreme selfishness for a married couple to refuse to have children when they are able to do so.” ⁴ Motherhood and fatherhood are eternal roles. Each carries the responsibility for either the male or the female half of the plan. Youth is the time to prepare for those eternal roles and responsibilities.

The quote from President Kimball is 32-years-old and was meant for members of a whole different time and era. Fast forward to the year 2011, when economic and financial crisis plague the world. Granted, in 1979, the Cold War was at its coldest, but current global issues are a huge threat to being able to provide for a family. Many married couples then, and now, continue to heed President Kimball's counsel by popping out kid after kid, after kid and fail to see the ramifications of their irresponsibility for a quote that is three decades old.


Nor do church members put in context the generation in which President Kimball was raised. President Kimball was pretty much part of the first generation of children born to the Mormons who migrated to Utah. The definition of family back then was MUCH, MUCH different than it is today and that is the context that informs the counsel he gives. He grew up when polygamy was on its deathbed and when families had numerous children, whether polygamist or not. So, naturally, the surroundings in which he was raised would influence his counsel to members some 70 years later, whether that be good counsel or not. 


Church leaders should not promote their own views, because once they do it is considered "gospel". Not everything that comes out of the prophet's mouth comes directly from God. The decision about having children should be between the couple and God and no other. Only the couple can judge whether their monetary means, maturity, and mental well-being are all in check in order to start having children. So many couples just jump into it without necessary preparation.


What's more, there is an extremely high use of anti-depressant use in the state of Utah. State of Utah = Lots of Mormons = Lots of mommies = Lots of kids = Lots of stress. If one of the members in a marriage has mental health issues, it would be pertinent a hundred times over for them to mentally prepare for children, especially if it is the to be mother. Pregnancy and the whole first year after is an emotional roller coaster. Some handle it better than others, but if one is mentally at a low-point, the LAST thing they should be doing is trying to conceive. It is not fair to the potential child to come into a family where the mother and father aren't at their mental best. So much of what parents do on a day-to-day basis is absorbed by their children, this also includes mental struggles. 


Sister Beck lives in a Disney-esc fantasy world and her words only add to the pressure women in the church feel to live up to her perfect, nonexistent ideal. And what happens when you do not reach perfection? A great deal of feeling failure and sorrow. I wish Sister Beck and her ilk would stay the hell out giving advice regarding the bedroom and the procreation process, and get back to canning in the kitchen where they belong... or back to 1950.


So thanks, Sister Beck. Thanks for setting back the struggle for equality in the church 60 years. Your words have done and do more harm than you know. I wish we could vote you off the island.