Time Out, Brad Wilcox

I know. I know you will find this extremely hard to believe, but I attended my local Time Out for Women this weekend. My MIL purchased tickets months ago for my SILs and me to go. Well, each of my SILs bailed (well, one of them DID have a baby last Tuesday), so a good friend of my MIL and me went with us. Yeah, I wasn't looking forward to the whole context of the conference, but the perks of spending the night in a hotel, going to dinner, and having a break from the kids outweighed any potential annoyances the conference might have in store. What's more, I love my MIL and wanted to spend some time with her. She is a good woman.

 Going to dinner + fresh hotel sheets + not waking up with the kids > TO4W

I decided ahead of time to go as an objective observer with a positive attitude. I was not going to be looking for opportunities to be offended or annoyed by the speakers or the attendees. I was going to be very real and practical about the whole thing. 

The Friday night session was okay. The first speaker, Brother NotFunny, had a  pretty dismal talk. A person who is truly funny does not need to try to be funny, but somehow Brother NotFunny never got that memo. People around me were cracking up and I just could not fathom why. I wondered if subconsciously I had a bad attitude affecting my funny bone, but then I looked over at my MIL and my GF. There they were. Arms folded. Faces serious and somewhat puzzled. Good. It wasn't just me and my uncorrelated self. 

Next, Virginia Hinckley Pearce spoke and she was, meh... Again, I thought perhaps a bad attitude was influencing me, but no, my MIL and GF later confirmed my same thoughts. Fortunately, the night wasn't a total bust because Jenny Oaks Baker, a Julliard-educated violinist saved the night. Listening to her play the violin was a treat. She was absolutely brilliant.

So the Friday night session went well for me. No major or even minor annoyances. We topped the night off with a trip to the Cheesecake Factory and a pillow fight before bed. The next morning my MIL and GF headed over while I caught a few more zzzzs. Then I got up. Got ready and got over to the conference. I summoned up my positive energy and open mindedness. I was ready for round two.

I made it in time to listen to Linda Eyre and her daughter Shawni Pothier. My MIL knows Shawni personally, so that was much of the reason she wanted to go to TO4W. They both did a fine job and I was feeling fine...

Until...

Enter Brad Wilcox from stage right...

Cox started out his talk relating a story from when he was a mission president. His story was of a disheartened elder who wanted things to be easier. "Wouldn't it all be easier if we just had to do baptisms for the dead?" He then goes off into this diatribe mocking people who say things like, "But Brother Wilcox, don't you know how hard it is? I was born this way. Do you know how hard it is to change?"


From there I began to feel a little uneasy in my seat. I was afraid this would turn into Packergate from that one General Conference. Remember that one? It went something along the lines of gays not being able to overcome what they feel to be inborn tendencies and then he asked why would Heavenly Father do that to anyone, meaning create someone who was gay. Somehow I felt Cox was hinting around on the whole "I was born this way" excuse that he must think is illegitimate for the gay population. 


But I digress. The best was yet to come. Cox then went into this rant of mockery saying the following: It is easy to not going to church. It is easy not going to the temple. It is easy finding the anti-Mormon website to question church history. It is easy to ruin your testimony...


As though I had springs in my butt, I popped up as quickly as I could and angrily walked out in the middle of his self-righteous rant. It was all I could do not to flip him off on the way out, and now I wish I would have. I was pissed and hurt. I immediately called Husband NotSo to relate what had happened and I started to cry. I cried because he was so wrong, so wrong about how "easy" he thinks it is. It is not easy at all.


There have been many, MANY times in my faith crisis where I have thought how much easier it would be to just go back to church, continue to ignore the things that bother me, and continue to be spoon-fed the baby food of what I should believe. It would be easier to have someone else do the thinking for me. It would be easier maintaining relationships with my family and friends if I continued to go to church, instead of taking the initiative to ensure those bonds don't crumble.

Perhaps the most damaging part of all this, was the permission Brother Cox gave the hundreds of women and young women there to judge people who question the church or who have left the church because that is the easy way. No doubt each of those women know someone in their family or ward who has left the church or who is struggling with the church. Now instead of hearing a message about compassion and Christ-like love, they heard a message that they could judge those they know for taking the easy route. Now, because they stay in the church and continue to do what they are told to do, it is deemed harder and must, therefore, be better because it is sanctified by Brother Cox.


I promise, I tired to go into TO4W as open minded as I possibly could be. I knew some things might bother me, but I accepted that fact ahead of time. What I did not expect was the blatant rudeness and judgment coming from one of the more renowned persons of the church.

Ugh. I could not help but note the different feeling I felt at TO4W and the Mormon Stories Conference we had last weekend. At TO4W I felt like an outsider. I didn't feel the collective power a group can cast when it gets together for the common good and I so wanted to. At the MorStor Conference, I felt so much love and power. I truly and honestly loved each an every person who was there. I felt bonded to these people from their many walks of life. I loved those people and I know they loved me. It rejuvenated me and I have craved that feeling, like crack, throughout the whole of last week. It felt like a little piece of heaven on earth.


And to Brother Cox, I recommend taking your nasty foot out of your mouth and walk around in my shoes for a day before you deem what is "easy" and what is not. 


For that, I award you the SisterNotSo WTF moment. WTF, Brother Cox. WTF.

Washington DC Mormon Stories Conference

What a weekend. What a crazy, fantastic weekend. It was like Christmas Eve, Christmas, the Super Bowl, and election night all crammed into one afternoon. If you don't know what I am talking about, I am talking about this. There is a small group of Mormons out there who have either left the church or who are unorthodox on some level and desire to interact with people like themselves and who still feel a communal pull. Through Mormon Stories, we have formed regional groups to help fill the void where ward and stake communities once resided in our lives. It has been refreshing meeting up, conversing on facebook, and emailing these regional members from all walks of life.


This weekend, we had our regional conference for the Washington DC area. I was fortunate enough to be part of the planning committee for the event. Our team was so incredible. The bonus was having varying degrees of faith represented in the planning. Through that we were able to create an event inclusive to all. I would love to give the run-down of the whole thing, but, rather, I am going to highlight some of my more poignant experiences. 


I have not been around very many openly gay people. Of course I had my own thoughts influenced by the church regarding same-sex attraction. Then Prop 8 happened and that compelled me to think deeper about the issue. Around the same time I listened to the podcast John Dehlin did with Carol Lynn Pearson and from there, my views have evolved. 


At the conference, I met and conversed with many openly gay people and for the first time I saw them for who they have always been: Just normal men and women, trying to lead normal, happy lives. They were no different than I. It is not that I expected warts or horns. I was not expecting anything really, but for the first time my heart opened up as I listened to their own Mormon stories. I saw pain and sorrow and then I saw relief. Relief of finally being accepted by a group who all have a common denominator in Mormonism. 


I loved our conference and I love the people who were there. More to come in the following days, but for now I am exhausted. Exhausted and utterly fulfilled.

If Given An Ear

I recently was asked if I were able to have the ear of some General Authority, what would I say or ask them: Simply put, my response was:


Personally, I do not care about women receiving the priesthood because I no longer believe in its power, but it would be refreshing to see women involved in higher decision making processes, instead of those decisions being based solely on the 1960's male tradition of running things. Seeing some female representation would be huge for me.


I would also love to see The Church go back to basics with Christ's message. I do not like seeing such a rich and powerful church use its resources for things other than to relieve human suffering. So much good could be done for God's children around the world if those resources were spent on them rather than on the infrastructure of the church. 

Crunching Numbers

The data I used for this calculation comes straight from the Church's website.

Here's a couple of interesting things to note:


Membership                                                14,131,467
Value of Humanitarian Aide Since 1985       $1.3 Billion

So lets do some math:

1,300,000,000 / 25 years of humanitarian aid = $52,000,00/year.


$52,000,000 / 14,131,467 members = $3.67/member/year of what is contributed from their tithing to humanitarian aid


Things to consider: What the Church has contributed to humanitarian aid each year regarding to the actual membership of that year.


Other things to consider: 25,000 people die EACH DAY (both adults and children) due to hunger.


And on a different note: 2 new temples are to be built in the Republic of Congo and South Africa. 


...and THIS is why I can't leave it alone.

After This Life

I found a cheap airfare I could not pass up on, and decided to take a late-summer trip out to Utah to visit my family. We do not have a good sense on what Dad's time frame is, so it is my desire for my children to get to know and create their own memories of Grandpapa.


As with every trip, I have an agenda. My time out there was shorter than I normally plan when I go, so I crammed a lot of stuff into the ten days I was there. After being home a week, I am still trying to catch my breath.


On the top of my list were plans to meet-up with a married couple with whom Brother NotSo and I met through Mormon Stories. Brother NotSo and I quite like and respect both of them. I had a wonderful time meeting them and listening to their insight on certain church topics. I feel like a sponge these days, wanting to soak up the thoughts of those who have wrestled with the complexities of life before me.


One of the topics I brought up and we discussed was the afterlife. I am in such need of an afterlife, that any thoughts people have on it, I want to hear. It weighs so heavily on me that this life is it. That once we take our last breath, whether prepared or not, that that is the complete end of our existence. No afterlife. Nothing. Just bones in the ground and memories to be passed on only to dissolve when the carriers of those memories pass on too.


I once believed in eternal life, but when you go through the process of reevaluating your beliefs, you end up questioning EVERYTHING. I can say now, I am less than 50% sure there is an afterlife. I mean, sure. I hear stories of people coming back from the dead and having out-of-body experiences, I just wonder and I am now skeptical if there is not some other explanation for those events.


So why am I so desirous to know if there is an afterlife? After talking to my Mo'Sto' friends and digesting my thoughts, I have realized why I fear the nonexistence of eternal life. 


I do not want "this" to be it. I have spent my whole adult life pretty much in a constant state of mediocrity and suckitude. Depression, bad habits, and laziness have been the bane of my adult life, weighing down the potential I have to be a kick-ass human. There have been times in my life I have been so low, I would rather be dead than continue to live the rest of my life feeling so low and so helpless. The points in my life of feeling a sense of accomplishment have been few and far between.


My need for eternal life is wanting to have a do-over. If I can just make it through this life, my next life will be better and easier. I won't feel so damn tired all the time. I will have the energy to do the things I want to do. Hell, I will have all eternity to get my to-do list checked off. If I can just wait this life out, if I can keep chugging along in my mediocrity then there is no need to fight to overcome my demons, and then I will have my reward. 


More thoughts to come later...

She Has Left The Church

This past week, Mom and Dad visited a good family friend who is a temple president of one the temples in the Salt Lake Valley. They went to get a priesthood blessing for guidance regarding Dad's disease. The blessing went well and afterwards, they chit-chatted, and the temple president specifically asked about me. Mom's response was,"She has left The Church."


As Mom recounted that to me and the words of "she has left the church" came out of her mouth, I kinda got a sick feeling in my stomach. Have I REALLY left The Church? I have been thinking since then what my relationship with The Church is. There are things I still believe and hold on to, I can still see myself participating on some level, I just do not attend.


I am fine receiving any member of our ward into our home. Visiting teacher? Fine. Missionaries? Fine. Bishop? Fine. I have even told our Relief Society President, who is also a friend I hang out with, whatever help she needs, I would be happy to assist. 


Just as I started becoming inactive, we had a whole bunch of new, young families move into the ward. I have become good friends with the mommies and their children. I am so grateful for the influx of girlfriends. I swear they moved into our ward boundaries just for me.


Perhaps, my readers, you may think it is awkward being friends with Mormon mommies and me, the inactive sister. Since the beginning, I have refused to let this situation be awkward. I have been proactive at maintaining my friendships and I have been blunt and open about what I want from them regarding The Church. I even openly joke about my church attendance. 


I have voiced my appreciation to them for being so kind to me and for treating me like everyone else. One day, flat out, I told them "just don't treat me like I am a project", to which they agreed. Being honest, and open, and even blunt at times has worked for me in maintaining my relationship with my girlfriends. I am glad religion is not the basis of friendship for them.


So have I left the church? I don't know. I don't know if I can answer that right now. I haven't mailed in my resignation, so I am still on the books. I still feel like I belong to my ward family and would attend activities, like the Ward Christmas Party and I still say hi when I bump into Ward members at Walmart, or wherever.


What keeps me from going to church is my dislike for listening to things I do not agree with or believe. I still believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost, and it makes logical sense to me that they are separate beings. I believe in the goodness and guidance of the Word of Wisdom and I want to pass that onto my children. I believe in some kind of preexistence and afterlife. I believe I will be together with my husband, my children, and my family regardless of what I do in this lifetime. I still believe families are forever. I believe Christ's message of love one another. 


So where does this place me? Am I still Mormon? I don't know. I guess that will be something which will be resolved in the future. 


Whomever you are, leave a comment. Any insight you have, I would appreciate hearing. 

The Pl4yboy Club Loves Lucy

I would like to thank the Deseret News for providing me with material for this entry. Here is the link to the article from the DesNews regarding how sex has evolved on television. What prompted the article is the recent release of the fall lineup the networks will be showing. Among them is The Pl4yboy Club, which, by the title, must be a wholesome and family friendly show. Surely, the family will gather together, just as they did back in the day of FDR and his fireside chats.


KSL, the NBC network affiliate in Salt Lake City and owned by Deseret Media Companies, which is owned by the LDS Chruch, has decided to take the choice from its watchers being able to determine for themselves if TPC is suitable for their home. And this is where it rubs me the wrong way.

NBC => KSL => DMS => LDS Church

One of the foundational beliefs in Mormonism is that of free agency. Agency and "The War in Heaven" is one of the first things taught by missionaries when they have an investigator. Here is the Cliff's Notes version of "The War in Heaven". God has many spirit children. God tells his children they need to go to earth and they can return to him, but he needs a plan. Lucifer, pipes up, saying his plan would be to force God's children to live righteously and the glory would be his. Jesus pipes up saying through agency, God's children will return and the glory will be God's. Jesus' plan is accepted, Lucifer is cast out and yadda yadda yadda.


This story is one of the first things taught to small children in Sunday School and to investigators. It is a topic which comes up all the time in talks, classes, songs, and daily Mormon conversation. Needless-to-say, the doctrine of free agency is big in Mormon theology. Because we are physically here on earth, we accepted Jesus' plan. We are taught through our choices, good or bad, we will be held accountable. The hope is that through making bad choices we will learn, grow and be better, and forgiveness will come from God via Jesus' atonement.


So the idea of free agency is huge to Mormonism to God's plan of having us return to live with him again, except when it comes to airing shows like The Pl4yboy Club on the unspotted NBC network affiliate KSL. Here, the choice is being made for you. You, the public, are not allowed to decide if TPC is a show that is appropriate for your own household. Your free agency is taken from you and you are being forced to do right. Big Brother is making sure you won't even be tempted by whatever content is contained in TPC because Big Brother knows you can not be trusted to make the correct choice. For a church that is a big proponent of free agency, it seems they are following Satan's plan.


Part of the reasoning behind this decision was the fear the show would be aired during prime time and children could be susceptible to watching it. A parent should be allowed to do just as the name states: parent. They are the ones responsible to insure their children are watching age appropriate television, but once again, free agency is being taken away. DMC is usurping a parent's authority of television watching in their household. DMC does not have the right to take away that choice from anyone regardless of the content in that show. This is squarely a decision for parents and adults to make for themselves. If an adult likes it, they should get to watch it. If a parent does not like it, they should be allowed to change the channel.


What's more, the newspaper article gives a brief timeline of the evolution of sex in television. It first starts with the wonderful little show called I Love Lucy where Desi and Lucy were shown sleeping in separate beds and the word "pregnant" was taboo. This got my blood boiling. Really? I mean, really? I wonder if the writer of the article has seen an episode of I Love Lucy recently.


When I was a kid, I loved that show. I especially loved the episode where Lucy and Ethel are in the candy factory, trying to keep up with packaging chocolates. That episode made me crave chocolatey goodness every time. Remembering I loved that show when I was younger, I watched a bit of it not to long ago and I saw a completely different show. It was a show that was sexist and demeaning to women.


Lucy and Ethel are treated by both their husbands as if they are little children who need help wiping their asses after they shit. I was absolutely astounded how rude and disrespectful Ricky was towards his wife and Fred to Ethel. The reason Lucy and Ethel got into so much trouble is because they had to sneak around in order to do what they wanted to do. There was no compromise. No communication. There was only Ricky's way. 


EVERY episode goes like this: Lucy has an idea. Ricky puts the kibosh on the idea. Lucy sneaks around to put her idea into practice and solicits the help of Ethel. Lucy and Ethel find themselves in a bind. Ricky finds out. Fred finds out. Ricky gets mad at Lucy. Fred gets mad at Ethel. Lucy cries. Ethel cries. Lucy apologies. Ethel apologies. Ricky and Lucy kiss. Red and Ethel hug. Next episode, rinse, repeat.


So really, using I Love Lucy as an example of what "good" television is, is insulting to every woman who has had to fight for equality in the workplace and at home. It is a horrible example to use in this day and age where women continue to struggle for equality. Is the author really wanting to turn the clock back all these years just to have wholesome television? I hope not. 


I do not understand the nostalgia of wanting to go back to 60 years ago when the civil rights movementand the feminist movement were just about to be birthed. As a society we have come such a long way on ensuring all freedoms are extended to all people regardless of race or gender. Just because the horrible eight-letter word "pregnant" was not allowed on television does not mean we should subscribe to the ideals of that time. I would rather have the choice of turning off the television and maintain my equality, rather than give up my rights and free agency for Molly Mormon television. 

To be clear, I am NOT promoting The Pl4yboy Club nor am I supporting it. In fact, had I not come across this article and all the hullabaloo TPC is creating in Utah, I probably would not even be aware of its premier. I probably would not even watch an episode, but in my curiosity to check it out, I YouTubed the trailers for it and it looks kinda intriguing. I might even watch the series premier... With my preschool daughter and my toddler son because I am the one who should make that choice. Thank you very much.

God. Are You There? It's Me, Sister NotSo.

I rocked my son a little longer tonight. He fell asleep in my arms and listened to his little puffs of sweet breath. He smelled so delicious after his shower with his big sister and myself. It was important for me to take that moment and absorb every last element of love I have for him.

Now. I sit in my bed with my daughter. She is eating popcorn and candy. She is watching the television as I type this. When I am done, she will brush her teeth, and I will put her to bed. I will snuggle her a little longer tonight. I will stroke her smooth hair and whisper in her ear how much I love her once she dozes off into dreamland.

And I really need God to be real. When I decided to take the step and explore the questions bothering me about The Church, I experienced so many emotions. One of those emotions was fear. All I had been taught was unraveling and lacked truth. There was one question I feared to ask myself, but I had to. I had to question whether-or-not God was real and that terrified me.

Not having God meant no eternal life. No seeing Husband NotSo in the afterlife, or my children, or my family. It meant this was it. Once we have taken that last breath, our being is gone, and after some time our bodies would rot into nothingness. Only memories and dust left.

After wrestling with my thoughts and praying over and over for God to be real, and summoning up every supernatural/spiritual experience in my life, I decided there is a God. However, there is the tiniest bit of skepticism remaining, haunting me.

God needs to be real because I found out earlier this week that after many blood tests and a bone marrow biopsy, my father has a form of cancer called myelodysplastic syndrome. Basically, his bone marrow is producing immature red and white blood cells, causing him to be fatigued and become susceptible to infection. Treatment will help prolong his life, but he may only have 2 - 5 years beyond his 69 years of life to live.

Never in a million years had I thought my father would die of cancer. He is the most self-motivated, determined, and until recently, healthiest person I know. I thought there was a great possibility he may even outlive me. I just can not wrap my mind around the fact that THIS is what is going to take his life. I always pictured him passing peacefully in his sleep after he had spent the day before building something for his house, or by spending the day skiing under a blue Snowbird sky.

I have cried. I have staved hysterics. I have been numb. I am angry. I am angry at cancer. I want to hurt it. I want it to feel the helplessness I feel. I want it to feel the fire of hate I have for it. I want it to feel my mom's pain and my father's pain. I want it to feel my siblings' broken hearts. I want it to suffer the highest amount of suffering possible, only to be revived, and suffer many times more. I hate it.

Please, God. Please be real. Please be my spirit father and please let there be eternal life. Please let me see my earthly father again. Please.

The Kids

I have been at a loss for thoughts lately. I have been a bit busy with vacations and playdates for my kids, so perhaps I have been distracted a bit. What's more, Little Brother Notso is going through a clingy stage or something, so getting anything done while he is awake is nearly impossible. For example: I took a shower (get your thoughts out of the mud) yesterday morning and he was crying outside the shower curtain. He kept pulling it away and getting wetter and madder. I finally just picked him up, clothes and all, and put him in the shower with me. You do what you gotta do I guess.


And I suppose that is where I am going with this post. My kids. One of the more difficult decisions of apostasy is deciding if what I am doing will be good for me kids. I don't feel like I was damaged at Primary age, but as I got into Young Womens, I can see the teachings during those years did influence the decisions I made as a young adult. It felt like I had to fit into the cookie-cutter mold that is taught: Graduate high school, start college, meet your future husband, get married young, have kids young, and never finish school. Yadda. Yadda.


My parents did tell me I could be whatever I wanted to be, but what I was hearing and seeing from church was different. There were very few mothers who worked in my ward. I saw big families, where the father worked, and the mother stayed home. I am certainly not bashing their decisions, but there is so much more out there once you take the blinders off.


I want so much more for my kids, for my daughter in particular. I want her to never feel like she can't do something just because she is female. If she wants to be a brain surgeon, great! If she wants to be an Olympic athlete, awesome! If she wants to be a pole dancer... Well... Not so great. There is only so much influence I can have at home, so having her in a church which teaches likewise, I feel somewhat torn.


I would love for her to have a relationship with God and understand the depth of the teachings of Jesus. If those were the main things taught on Sunday, I would be fine with that. Instead, we get bogged down the rules, commandments, expectations, culture, and whatnot. Even if I filter what she is taught, she is bound to absorb some of the stuff I don't want her to. What's more, she will see the patriarchy of the church = Men in important roles. Women in less important roles and not involved as much.


So I am left with the questions if it is fair for me to make this decision for her? Should I just take her to Primary? Should I just skip it all, and hope she follows my example at home?


I just don't want to mess my kids up. I want them to have all the confidence in the world to conquer the world. I want them to have compassion to give to the world. Whether-or-not The Church hinders confidence, I don't know. Whether-or-not keeping them at home hinders compassion, I don't know. Kind of a catch 22.

My Apologies

Sorry y'all. I am on a blogging vacay right now. I have been a bit busy lately, but I promise to return to the blogging world soon. Until then, happy summer. 

All Boys Club

Every Monday morning my MIL gets together with some sisters in the ward to make various food items. The past few times, they have made dinner items. Today they decided to make bread. The ex-RS President in the ward showed up with her grain, her electronic mill, honey, gluten wheat germ, and bread mixer... Obviously she is one of those gung-ho food storage types whom even had her wheat germ labeled as 03/03, the day she purchased it. Insert eyeroll here ---> _______ .

Another sister and friend of mine showed up too, so it was just the four of us ladies making wheat bread. Which was pretty good in fact. I made some honey butter to go on the warm bread and it was delish... See recipe below. So we chit-chatted about this and that. We laughed a little. I teased a lot. Overall, we had a nice morning making bread together.


One of the things we chatted about was my MIL recounting a ward activity that came up in a PEC meeting (aka. The No Vaginas Sunday Morning Gossip Club). Apparently, at a recent ward activity, one of the members' of the bishopric met a few of the old-timers from our ward who have since moved on and he really enjoyed meeting these folks he has heard stories about. So while The No Vaginias Sunday Morning Gossip Club was talking and planning, they decided it would be a great ward activity to have an "old-timers" activity. Meaning, they would invite these former ward members to join them in a dinner, probably pot-luck style, and reminisce about the good ol' days. I secretly wondered if this would also include having the men dress up as cowboys and women as saloon whores, and have their photos taken in a sephia tone as a memento of the evening.


The two men who were put in charge of said activity were the EQ President and the High Priest Group Leader, whom happens to be my FIL. The EQ President is a well-meaning guy, is quite funny, and I like him a lot, but to get him to follow through on something is improbable. So the burden of planning this shing-dig would fall on the shoulders of my FIL... yeah, right. When my FIL came home, as my MIL was recounting it to us, he told her of their plans and said my MIL would be in charge of it.


"Why would I be in charge of it?" asked my MIL to my FIL, as she recounted this tale to us ladies.


"Because you are the HPGL's wife and I wouldn't know what to do," was his helpless answer.


Hearing how this would all fall on my MIL's shoulders started to make me mad. Because of my sticky position in the family and the ward, I decided I had better not criticize what I had heard. Even though my negative sentiments would have been valid before my disaffection, stating them now would only mean I am a bitter, inactive member and it would not be received well. So I kept my mouth shut. What I really, REALLY, wanted to say was, "Well. That is what you get when you do not include women in important meetings concerning the members of the ward."


So, the two things that bugged me about the above interaction: One, I think it is completely absurd that in the year of our Lord 2011, women in auxiliary positions are not allowed in PEC. At very least, the RS President should be invited so she is fully privy to the needs of those in the ward. This would save time for the bishop, instead of needing to pull the RS President aside for their own special pow-wow. 


I do not understand why women are excluded from PEC and I do not see a good reason for it either. If you really break it down, the only reason I see women being excluded is because of typical male, sexist tradition (aka. no penis syndrome). Just because women do not hold the Priesthood or a penis should not exclude them from being a part of meetings which involve how the ward is functioning. The RS President is basically in charge of compassionate service in the ward. As part of that function, she needs to know the needs of ward members, otherwise that calling is moot and is difficult for her to fulfill.


And number two: I wonder how many times past activities have fallen on the sister's shoulders which were originally planned by the men who were probably fully aware they would be dumping their ideas on the sisters. It does not seem right that men should plan something, knowing they would solicit help from the sisters, without the input and insight of those sisters. It is like my husband making plans for us without my knowledge or consent. Doing so is rude, offensive and disrespectful. It only adds to the disillusionment we women hear every General Conference about how wonderful we sisters are and how special we are. If this were the case, these men would not turn around and disrespect us women by making plans without us.


I do not see why a woman's point-of-view is not wanted in PEC. A woman's insights and thoughts would only add to the well-being of the ward family, plus it would give another point-of-view. The needs of a sister in the ward can not be truly understood by the men if a woman is not there to represent her point-of-view. A man cannot truly empathize with a woman because he is, simply, not a woman. If we woman are so special and wonderful, why are we not offered the decently of being represented by a woman in PEC to get our view? If the church is truly, TRULY concerned about women, they would allow female representation to ensure they get the FULL PICTURE.


Bottom line: If the male leadership of the church really thought we women were so special and wonderful, they would include women in the PEC to ensure our needs were truly met. So there.


Now to sweeten things up:
 
Honey Butter
1 cup of softened butter
2/3 cup of real honey
3/4 cup of powdered sugar


Throw butter in a mixing bowl, add honey and powdered sugar. Mix for a minute, or until fluffy. Serve on warm bread you made with your ex-RS President.

And This Just In...

Coffee is good for your prostate! Just read this. So... If you have read the "Not-So Good Day" post before this one you are currently viewing, then, perhaps I will brew a pot of coffee at the beach week. We gotta keep our prostates healthy! Too bad all the cream and sugar go straight to your ass...

Disclaimer: I know your prostate is not part of your anus, but they are interconnected when getting a prostate checked. I also know, I do not have a prostate.

Not-So Good Day

As you have read, in the last ten months, Husband Notso and I have finally come to the point of letting our beliefs in the church go. Over the past ten years, or so, he kept some of his more radical thoughts to himself because he was afraid of what I would think. After some seeking and pondering and podcasting, we started an open dialog, paralleled our religious beliefs, and I learned things I had not known about the church. Many of these things were so disappointing and I was hurt. I was hurt because this once great thing and part of my life was not what it seemed to be.

Husband Notso told his parents and two brothers he no longer believed, which, of course, was not received well. Since then, we have gone through various phases of awkwardness, denial, indifference... All-in-all, I think they have handled it well, but slowly things have been trickling back to us through various conversations he has been having with different members of his family regarding our apostasy.

These "tricklings" have been extremely hurtful. We have been called "selfish", that we live in a world of "hyperbole" and, more specifically, that I "...would brew a pot of coffee..." at our family annual beach trip "...just for shock value...". If I were going for shock value, I think I would be more creative other than brewing a pot of coffee.

Even before all the $hit hit the fan, I have had an irreverent sense of humor, but now my irreverent jests are now "hurtful" and are out-of-place. It has been SO DIFFICULT keeping my mouth shut. I know speaking my mind would make things worse and would be unproductive. I have known his family since 1996 and it is like they do not remember what I am like or who I am.

I am still the SAME person. I am not EVIL. I do not and will not purposefully shove in their faces my new lifestyle. In fact, feel like I am going out-of-my-way to make sure I will not offend them in any way in order to make this situation less awkward. When I am around his family, I wear "modest" clothing, even though I have ditched the magic underwear long ago. I will not "brew a pot of coffee" just for shock value. Now, it is as if I need to prove to them I am a good person, when I already was a good person.


And I admit, I like my occasional Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks, but I am far from brewing pots of coffee in the morning. I am SO tempted to just go ahead and brew a pot at the beach and not drink a drop just to show them how stupid they are.

A Good Day

Today is a good day. The house is a wreck, but I feel like a got a lot done. Daughter NotSo had preschool this morning and I was planning on skipping it. I had gotten up late and I absolutely loathe trying to rush out the door when there are two children to get ready. Daughter NotSo seems to only have two speeds: slow and huh?. So it was already 9:30 in the morning, when preschool starts, and I said to myself, "Just do it!"


So I did it and it wasn't that bad. I didn't feel rushed or stressed. I even had time to make her a sack lunch. After dropping Daughter NotSo off, a little late, I hit the grocery store and bought stuff for us and our neighbors who had just had a baby. I told them I would be bringing them dinner and today I felt motivated to do so.


Son NoSo and I made it home and I started prepping the dinner, when my friend and other neighbor dropped her daughter off for me to watch while she went to teach her comm call class. Our daughters are the same age, so they play together and well at that. After a bit, we all loaded in the car to pick up Daughter NotSo from preschool, then home again, where dinner preparation continued and the kids played.


I want to do nice things for people, but sometimes it is so damn hard for me to comment. My MIL was in the RS Presidency of our ward for the last few years, so I was called upon many times to help her. I am happy to help, but when the children at home don't cooperate with what I need to accomplish, it can get stressful, and I feel pressure and anxiety in trying to achieve what I need to do to help my MIL out, or anyone for that matter. Hence my reluctance to comment to anything because in my head, it equals stress.


So why was today good, you ask? Today was good because I was able to make dinner for my neighbors and there was very little stress in doing so. I was able to enjoy the service I was preforming. I love the feeling of doing something nice for someone else. Not because I think I am wonderful, but because I need those good vibrations in my life. I have such a hard time being happy that if I can grasp onto any happiness floating our there, I will.


It is so important to me that I remain in the service of my fellow being even though I am not attending church. I am still a good person, with a good heart, and I want to do good things. Just because I don't commit to three hours every Sunday does not mean I am a bad person. The teaching of Christ I believe to be most fundamental in my life is loving on another. So many times we are more concerned with the rules, rather than with the person. Rules are made to be broken, hearts aren't. I am glad I was able to do something nice today.

The Cafeteria is Open

Some of the things said over the pulpit during conference drive me bonkers. Well, there are actually several things that drive me nuts about conference. One: Lack of female speakers. Two: The "conference cadence". Three: Constant stream of nincompoopery... see below.

"Teach of faith to keep all the commandments of God, knowing that they are given to bless His children and bring them joy. Forewarn them that they will encounter people who pick which commandments they will keep and ignore others that they choose to break. I call this the cafeteria approach to obedience. This practice of picking and choosing will not work. It will lead to misery. To prepare to meet God, one keeps all of His commandments. It takes faith to obey them, and keeping His commandments will strengthen that faith" Elder Nelson, April 2011

I love how he uses the term "cafeteria approach to obedience", as if this were a term he cleverly came up with all on his own. I even went back to listen to the clip to see if he got any laughs out of the congregation. Yes. There is a soft, audible chuckle for a few seconds before he continues. Lame. This term has been in use in forums and facebook groups long before Elder Nelson spoke of it in conference. So do not give him any of the clever credit. He took one of our phrases.


And by our, I mean us "Cafeteria Mormons". Yes. I am a Cafeteria Mormon. I do pick and chose the commandments which I want to live. It is FINALLY nice to get some kind of recognition from The Church that there is a fragment of its members out there who want to be Mormon, but do not swallow EVERYTHING they serve in the cafeteria... And to continue on the cafeteria analogy, if I may, we all know what happens if you eat everything they serve in the cafeteria... You get fat and immovable.


I believe God wants us to think for ourselves and make decisions based on the Savior's example. Allowing others to think for you is lazy and can cause confusion when, one day, your designated thinkers sway from their teachings. I can think of several instances of this throughout church history where its prophets swayed from what the previous prophet said. Polygamy, anyone?  Adam/God theory, anyone? Blacks and the Priesthood, anyone? And how does the church apologize for these deferences when God remains ever consistent?


I think there are enough TBM zealots out there who would follow the prophet off a cliff and continue justifying it until their guts were splattered on the ground. I wonder if TBMs truly understand the significance of the very foundational question of which The Church was founded. Joesph Smith, himself had a question and one day, while reading the bible, he came across that poignant scripture in James, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all [men] liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him". Meaning, if you have a question, ask God what it is and he will help you get the answer.


That scripture is not just limited to Joesph Smith and his question to God, nor is it limited to only modern-day prophets. It is there for ALL of us to read and to use when we have questions. Just because a member choses to find for themselves whether-or-not the direction a modern-day prophet is valid, does not mean they are unfaithful or evil. It means they are thinkers and want to do thinking and get conformation for themselves. I believe The Church holds itself as the highest, supreme power and government for all people. Even though there are governments leading its countrymen, I believe the church quietly scoffs at these governments and rules its people, winking from the sidelines. 


There is a higher power and authority which a person can seek input and that is seeking answers, as the scripture says, from God himself. When the phone system was first around, a person would have to call into an operator, who would then plug them into the extension of the person they were seeking. The Church does not need to be your operator. Just as we can now call people today without a third-party "assistance", we can talk to God without interference of the church. So when it comes to commandments and "picking which ones to follow", I believe it is between that person and God. Period.


Another troublesome issue in his talk was his heed at warning your children of "...people who pick which commandments they will keep and ignore the others they chose to break..." Really? We need to warn our children of these people as if they are evil, un-Christlike or lepers?


This statement is so damaging in so many ways. Especially the word "warning". A warning is a way of announcing to those a threat or impending danger is nigh, so a person should beware and take shelter. Just as a tornado siren warns a tornado, parents need to use their "siren" to warn against us evil-doing, pick and choose, Cafeteria Mormons. A statement like that only gives children and parents a license to JUDGE others who THEY see are not following the commandments. 


There are so many people out there in this silly world who live better Christlike lives than most Mormons and these are the same people who might have a drink of wine or coffee, or smoke, or wear sleeveless tops! The horror of them all! Teaching children to reject those around them only teaches them to judge and fear. This is the COMPLETE opposite of what Christ taught. He healed the leper. Forgave the adulteress. Blessed the children and taught us to "love one another". Nobody was off-limits to the Savior. His love was and is for everyone and was and is not limited to the sickest, saddest individual who has ever lived or is living.


So, instead, Elder Nelson wants us to avoid these people. Perhaps even shun them from our lives and no doubt, many TBM will. The Cafeteria Mormons he is warning of are your parents, your siblings, your friends, your neighbors. I am a Cafeteria Mormon. Elder Nelson is warning you about me. Me, people. Me. I, whom tries daily to live a Christlike life. I need not prove my Christlike ways today or ever. I will not give examples of what I try to do on a daily basis because I am confident enough I am living a good life. Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I judge. But most of the time my love for people shines through and that creates true happiness.


The fact that my picking and choosing will cause me "misery", as Elder Nelson puts it, is something I will just have to risk. So far I am not miserable. I am happy. In fact, I had one of those fleeting moments of happiness today, where my soul tuned in and everything just seemed right and good. Knowing the quirks I know about the church and turning a blind eye to it would case me more misery because my integrity would be challenged. I would rather keep my integrity and confidence because I am choosing to live my life and have it on par with what God wants. There are many ways to God. Mormonism may be just another way to get there, it is not the ONLY way to get there. To say otherwise is smug... and wrong.

So for those of you choosing to eat all the cafeteria food, I hope you will enjoy it.  As for me and my house, we will pick what items will be most delicious and nutritious to our tummys and warn nobody about the food. Now, doesn't that Jell-o salad look good? 

The Difference a Day Makes

Yesterday I was scared. I was scared and angry. I was hurting and I was disappointed. I felt so empty and alone. And it seems like this is all a phase. Like one day everything will be back to normal and we will be heading back to church doing the whole Mormon thing allover again. But I know this is not a phase. This is real and it is a process of finding a place where I will be happiest.


The Church, to me, was this perfect thing, this perfect entity. Sure there were and are idiots in it, but the structure itself was perfect. It was right. It was good. It was home. It was my history, my culture. I respected my leaders, from old Primary teachers up to the prophet. I loved President Hinckley. He seemed so real and had such a refreshing sense of humor. The church was mine. It was me. I was it.


Now... Now I feel like I have lost something. Something I dearly loved and had in common with so many friends and family is gone. Things I once blindly believed have been ripped from me and the real truth has replaced it. I decided I needed to strip everything down, start over, and find out if there really is a god. Yesterday I felt helpless and hopeless and scared. I kept asking myself, "What if there isn't a god? What if this is it?" I have been praying for something, anything from some higher life form to confirm its existence. I have been desperately hoping my fears are incorrect.


I fear death. I fear dying young and not being able to see my husband or dear children again, because what if there is not an afterlife? I have been mislead on so many other things regarding the church, perhaps an afterlife is also a mirage. What if you die and this is it? It deeply sorrows me and frightens me that if I die young, I won't be able to hold my children again. I won't be able to touch my nose to my son's head and breath in his sweet smell. Or snuggle with my daughter and listen to her soft breathing.

If there is no god, there is no afterlife and this, right now, is it. Once you die, you are gone.

That was yesterday.

This morning I woke up and I felt different. I felt hopeful. I have had so many experiences in my life where I have had feelings and premonitions that have guided me. I trust my gut and my gut has never been wrong. So I decided to ask my gut about the existence of god, and my gut told me there is a god.

I do believe in God, but how this religion thing plays into it, I have no idea. This whole process is such a roller coaster ride. Yesterday I was in despair and today has brought hope. Apostasy is so bi-polar.

Sister Beck Strikes Again

For the full transcript of Sister Beck's talk, click here.

Ugh. Heaven help me. She speaks her nincompoopery again. She first spoke in the fall of 2007 at General Conference, giving this talk, which caused quite a stir in the Bloggernacle. I am not going to rehash her stupid GC talk here, but I am going to tear apart her article in the current issue of the March 2011 Ensign. The night I went to bed after reading her talk had me so agitated, that I had a difficult time falling asleep. I seriously wanted to go burn some bras on her perfectly manicured front lawn or punch her in the ovary. Her words poison any advancement for equality within The Church and influence the continuation of the sisters to be complacent to patriarchal authority. 


I have taken three paragraphs from her talk I found to be the most distressing and want to rebut them. In the first paragraph, she claims the family is under attack and gives several reasons and examples of what is causing its disintegration. In the second paragraph, she claims that the youth no longer believe in the institution of the family . Lastly, in the third paragraph she reminds us that we are commanded to have babies, babies, and more babies.


Here is the first paragraph.

In addition to understanding the theology of the family, we all need to understand the threats to the family. If we don’t, we can’t prepare for the battle. Evidence is all around us that the family is becoming less important. Marriage rates are declining, the age of marriage is rising, and divorce rates are rising. Out-of-wedlock births are growing. Abortion is rising and becoming increasingly legal. We see lower birth rates. We see unequal relationships between men and women, and we see cultures that still practice abuse within family relationships. Many times a career gains importance over the family.

In the 1950's and 60' era in which she was raised, this Leave it to Beaver/Father Knows Best traditional family ideal was common. Fast forward sixty-or-so years, this traditional family hardly exists. Today, almost every family has some smidgen of non-traditional familial "imperfection" and these imperfections are "threats", according to her. Members of such a family continually feel judged because church leaders continue to give license to cast judgment by pointing out these familial "flaws" ie divorce, out-of-wedlock children, homosexuality, working mom, etc. These words are hurtful, especially to the child who is conceived out-of-wedlock because they are not part of what church leaders define the family unit to be.


In a Mormon Utopian society, there would exist a dad, a mom and a passel of brats. The dad would be the provider with 8 - 5 job and the mom would be the nurturer 24/7/365. Together they would raise their children, but complete deference would be given to the dad because he was the priesthood holder and leader of the family. This is the Mormon definition of "family" and at the ripe old age of forty, Dad and Mom would become grandparents.


Sister Beck claims the ages in which a couple gets married is on the rise. If it were up to her, young women would follow her example and be married three months after they turn nineteen. Perhaps there is a correlation with age of marriage in the church and divorce rates in The Church. At the age of nineteen, a young woman or young man has not experienced life, nor have they become the person they will be. The early twenties are a time of growth and finding out who you truly are. Marriage is hard enough, but to add to that the changes a young person goes through can only lead to stress, confusion, and regret later in life.

Many of our youth are losing confidence in the institution of families. They’re placing more and more value on education and less and less importance on forming an eternal family. Many don’t see forming families as a faith-based work. For them, it’s a selection process much like shopping. Many also distrust their own moral strength and the moral strength of their peers. Because temptations are so fierce, many are not sure they can be successful in keeping covenants.

There are areas in The Church where there is a strong focus on preparation. For years, members have been told to prepare for the Second Coming by accumulating food storage. Missionaries are sent to the MTC to prepare for missions and not just thrown into the field unprepared. Before a couple marries in the temple, they are required to take a temple preparation class, although this is hardly a good example. However, when it comes to preparing for a family, The Church severely lacks guiding young couples. In fact, many leaders encourage jumping right into it without a plan. Part of forming an eternal family is ensuring there is a stable environment in which children can live. Even the dumbest bird knows to make a nest BEFORE you put the eggs in it. Shouldn't we have evolved more than the fouls of the air?


It is irresponsible and selfish for a married couple to bring children into the world without first ensuring they can provide for them. Education for BOTH parents, a secure job, a place to live, and even having health insurance are all part of building the nest. Pursing an education is this the best way to increase the odds that children will be provided for. Putting off children until you are financially mature and mentally mature can only strengthen the family unit. So many couples who marry young, start having children 9 months later, struggle with being able to provide for their family and continue to suffer the consequences years later by accruing debt. It is sickening how many plan to live off church and government welfare.  Many young couples are torn apart because of the stress they created by not choosing to prepare and build a proper nest.


President Hinckley stated: 

"It is so important that you young men and you young women get all of the education that you can. The Lord has said very plainly that His people are to gain knowledge of countries and kingdoms and of things of the world through the process of education, even by study and by faith." —Gordon B. Hinckley, "Inspirational Thoughts," Ensign, June 1999, 4

 And again:

"We believe in education. The Lord has laid a mandate upon His people that they become acquainted with the things of the earth, as well as the things of the Spirit. He has laid an obligation upon us to get all the schooling that we have. Education becomes the key of opportunity for everyone in this life. It may involve sacrifice, it may involve unusual effort, but with the help of heaven, it can be had." —Gordon B. Hinckley  “Inspirational Thoughts,” Ensign, June 1999, 4

And yet again:

"You belong to a church that teaches the importance of education. You have a mandate from the Lord to educate your minds and your hearts and your hands. . . . There can be no doubt, none whatever, that education pays. Do not short-circuit your lives. If you do so, you will pay for it over and over and over again." —Gordon B. Hinckley "A Prophet's Counsel and Prayer for Youth," Ensign, Jan. 2001, 4, 7

Somehow President Hinckley's counsel is lost, and young married couples continue to be ill-prepared for children. Why is the most influential female leader in the Church using that influence to promote ideals that are contrary President Hinckley's counsel? Education is so important for the youth to seek for many reasons. Nothing in life is guaranteed and should something happen to the provider of the family (death, disability, divorce), having an education, and therefore a better job, is a sure way to be able to pick up the reigns and move the family forward in a time of crisis.

The rising generation need to understand that the command to “multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28; Moses 2:28) remains in force. Bearing children is a faith-based work. President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) said, “It is an act of extreme selfishness for a married couple to refuse to have children when they are able to do so.” ⁴ Motherhood and fatherhood are eternal roles. Each carries the responsibility for either the male or the female half of the plan. Youth is the time to prepare for those eternal roles and responsibilities.

The quote from President Kimball is 32-years-old and was meant for members of a whole different time and era. Fast forward to the year 2011, when economic and financial crisis plague the world. Granted, in 1979, the Cold War was at its coldest, but current global issues are a huge threat to being able to provide for a family. Many married couples then, and now, continue to heed President Kimball's counsel by popping out kid after kid, after kid and fail to see the ramifications of their irresponsibility for a quote that is three decades old.


Nor do church members put in context the generation in which President Kimball was raised. President Kimball was pretty much part of the first generation of children born to the Mormons who migrated to Utah. The definition of family back then was MUCH, MUCH different than it is today and that is the context that informs the counsel he gives. He grew up when polygamy was on its deathbed and when families had numerous children, whether polygamist or not. So, naturally, the surroundings in which he was raised would influence his counsel to members some 70 years later, whether that be good counsel or not. 


Church leaders should not promote their own views, because once they do it is considered "gospel". Not everything that comes out of the prophet's mouth comes directly from God. The decision about having children should be between the couple and God and no other. Only the couple can judge whether their monetary means, maturity, and mental well-being are all in check in order to start having children. So many couples just jump into it without necessary preparation.


What's more, there is an extremely high use of anti-depressant use in the state of Utah. State of Utah = Lots of Mormons = Lots of mommies = Lots of kids = Lots of stress. If one of the members in a marriage has mental health issues, it would be pertinent a hundred times over for them to mentally prepare for children, especially if it is the to be mother. Pregnancy and the whole first year after is an emotional roller coaster. Some handle it better than others, but if one is mentally at a low-point, the LAST thing they should be doing is trying to conceive. It is not fair to the potential child to come into a family where the mother and father aren't at their mental best. So much of what parents do on a day-to-day basis is absorbed by their children, this also includes mental struggles. 


Sister Beck lives in a Disney-esc fantasy world and her words only add to the pressure women in the church feel to live up to her perfect, nonexistent ideal. And what happens when you do not reach perfection? A great deal of feeling failure and sorrow. I wish Sister Beck and her ilk would stay the hell out giving advice regarding the bedroom and the procreation process, and get back to canning in the kitchen where they belong... or back to 1950.


So thanks, Sister Beck. Thanks for setting back the struggle for equality in the church 60 years. Your words have done and do more harm than you know. I wish we could vote you off the island.