My anniversary is this week. It would have been sixteen
years. Another anniversary is this week. A year ago he moved out. A year ago we
had our “final” marital fight, complete with him smashing dishes against the
kitchen sink in front of our kids. I knew, so firmly knew, that that was it. It
was time to throw in the towel and quit the shared marital misery. Getting to
the point of calling it quits was a process for me. I was ready for divorce a
year prior to our final fight, I just did not know when it would all come
tumbling down.
Well. Really. It had already tumbled. We stopped loving each
other years ago. We had become used to coasting in marital mediocrity. The
mediocrity became a habit neither of us was willing to change. General
suckitude became just comfortable enough to do nothing about… And then there
were our kids. The “kid” factor. “Stay together for the kids” echoed in my mind
from various advice sources over the years who had never once stepped in my
shoes to really asses the stupidity of such advice. I realized I have a
separate life from my children and they do from me. My true happiness and
growth should not have been at the sacrifice of my children to live in a
loveless household. Seeing that is not healthy for them and it surely was not
healthy for me. Some see giving up on a marriage with children involved as a
cowardly action. On the contrary, I have never done anything so brave in my
life and I have never been happier.
Being more at ease with myself, finally loving and accepting
myself, and all my beautiful flaws, that is
what is good for my children to see. The continued causticness being shoveled
my way has given me such strength. I am grateful I got something out of the constant
spousal loathing and blame He has dished my way this last year. That is where
the true cowardliness lies. Blame is so cowardly easy. Forgiveness without an
apology is the true challenge.
I have forgiven him. I have told him such and I have offered
many, true apologies. I have accepted my blame in the failure of our marriage,
and along with forgiving him, I have forgiven my past self. I do not even know
that person anymore. She never was me
anyway. The person I am right now is the person who was always trying to break
through, but because of fear of rejection She was pushed down and stifled. Being
stifled only gave Her strength to come firing through when I needed her most.
She is powerful. She has a strong heart. She is steady. She is confident in her
shoes. She loves herself.
I know I was never my Best Self with Him. My self-loathing
and self-hatred undermined my Best Self. My struggle with depression was the
culprit. I do not blame it all on depression. I certainly learned some bad
habits and used depression as the crutch to excuse bad behavior.
A year ago, I would have never guessed that this is who I
now am. I was blind as to what the future me would be. She still has some work
to do, but it actually seems possible now because She continues to break the
mediocrity down into dust. I feel so assured that a year from now, the person
who will be sitting here typing will be stronger, more independent, more steady
and firm, and will love herself so much she will finally be ready to express
that true love with others because her bucket is finally being filled with her own
self-love.
