I found a cheap airfare I could not pass up on, and decided to take a late-summer trip out to Utah to visit my family. We do not have a good sense on what Dad's time frame is, so it is my desire for my children to get to know and create their own memories of Grandpapa.
As with every trip, I have an agenda. My time out there was shorter than I normally plan when I go, so I crammed a lot of stuff into the ten days I was there. After being home a week, I am still trying to catch my breath.
On the top of my list were plans to meet-up with a married couple with whom Brother NotSo and I met through Mormon Stories. Brother NotSo and I quite like and respect both of them. I had a wonderful time meeting them and listening to their insight on certain church topics. I feel like a sponge these days, wanting to soak up the thoughts of those who have wrestled with the complexities of life before me.
One of the topics I brought up and we discussed was the afterlife. I am in such need of an afterlife, that any thoughts people have on it, I want to hear. It weighs so heavily on me that this life is it. That once we take our last breath, whether prepared or not, that that is the complete end of our existence. No afterlife. Nothing. Just bones in the ground and memories to be passed on only to dissolve when the carriers of those memories pass on too.
I once believed in eternal life, but when you go through the process of reevaluating your beliefs, you end up questioning EVERYTHING. I can say now, I am less than 50% sure there is an afterlife. I mean, sure. I hear stories of people coming back from the dead and having out-of-body experiences, I just wonder and I am now skeptical if there is not some other explanation for those events.
So why am I so desirous to know if there is an afterlife? After talking to my Mo'Sto' friends and digesting my thoughts, I have realized why I fear the nonexistence of eternal life.
I do not want "this" to be it. I have spent my whole adult life pretty much in a constant state of mediocrity and suckitude. Depression, bad habits, and laziness have been the bane of my adult life, weighing down the potential I have to be a kick-ass human. There have been times in my life I have been so low, I would rather be dead than continue to live the rest of my life feeling so low and so helpless. The points in my life of feeling a sense of accomplishment have been few and far between.
My need for eternal life is wanting to have a do-over. If I can just make it through this life, my next life will be better and easier. I won't feel so damn tired all the time. I will have the energy to do the things I want to do. Hell, I will have all eternity to get my to-do list checked off. If I can just wait this life out, if I can keep chugging along in my mediocrity then there is no need to fight to overcome my demons, and then I will have my reward.
More thoughts to come later...
