I found a cheap airfare I could not pass up on, and decided to take a late-summer trip out to Utah to visit my family. We do not have a good sense on what Dad's time frame is, so it is my desire for my children to get to know and create their own memories of Grandpapa.
As with every trip, I have an agenda. My time out there was shorter than I normally plan when I go, so I crammed a lot of stuff into the ten days I was there. After being home a week, I am still trying to catch my breath.
On the top of my list were plans to meet-up with a married couple with whom Brother NotSo and I met through Mormon Stories. Brother NotSo and I quite like and respect both of them. I had a wonderful time meeting them and listening to their insight on certain church topics. I feel like a sponge these days, wanting to soak up the thoughts of those who have wrestled with the complexities of life before me.
One of the topics I brought up and we discussed was the afterlife. I am in such need of an afterlife, that any thoughts people have on it, I want to hear. It weighs so heavily on me that this life is it. That once we take our last breath, whether prepared or not, that that is the complete end of our existence. No afterlife. Nothing. Just bones in the ground and memories to be passed on only to dissolve when the carriers of those memories pass on too.
I once believed in eternal life, but when you go through the process of reevaluating your beliefs, you end up questioning EVERYTHING. I can say now, I am less than 50% sure there is an afterlife. I mean, sure. I hear stories of people coming back from the dead and having out-of-body experiences, I just wonder and I am now skeptical if there is not some other explanation for those events.
So why am I so desirous to know if there is an afterlife? After talking to my Mo'Sto' friends and digesting my thoughts, I have realized why I fear the nonexistence of eternal life.
I do not want "this" to be it. I have spent my whole adult life pretty much in a constant state of mediocrity and suckitude. Depression, bad habits, and laziness have been the bane of my adult life, weighing down the potential I have to be a kick-ass human. There have been times in my life I have been so low, I would rather be dead than continue to live the rest of my life feeling so low and so helpless. The points in my life of feeling a sense of accomplishment have been few and far between.
My need for eternal life is wanting to have a do-over. If I can just make it through this life, my next life will be better and easier. I won't feel so damn tired all the time. I will have the energy to do the things I want to do. Hell, I will have all eternity to get my to-do list checked off. If I can just wait this life out, if I can keep chugging along in my mediocrity then there is no need to fight to overcome my demons, and then I will have my reward.
More thoughts to come later...
It's been great catching up on your blog! I have been away for a while.
ReplyDeleteI still love General Conference weekend. Watching the speakers is peaceful for me, even if talks are harsh for my taste. But I know what you mean about questioning everything. It's inevitable once beliefs are shaken. One talk played into this when the speaker said (something that has been said many times before over the pulpit) "either the Book of Mormon is completely true, or it is a complete hoax". The problem with that assertion is that if someone is on the fence they just might get knocked off to the "hoax" side.
My wife often thinks I am atheist, but I am not that arrogant. Just because I no longer believe in the supernatural does not mean "I know" there is no God. There just might be! I simply do not see His hand in my life. I have wondered why miracle stories are never first person. When did *my own* child or friend ever get instantly healed of cholera, or blindness? Okay, I digress.
I love your need for having a do-over. It made me think of Indian karma. The more good you do, the more chance you have to come back as something better in the next life.
Once I read a debate between a famous Christian scholar and a famous Atheist. The debate climaxed when the Christian was extolling salvation. The Atheist flatly retorted that he thought about other things, for instance today he just might go out and enjoy a cup of coffee with a friend.
As Mormons we are conditioned to worry all the time. How about making a pot of coffee, sitting outside, and enjoying the beautiful view. Hugs to you, NotSo!
I went through a little after life phase recently and read some books of little kids who recounted some near death experiences. But the real kicker was listening to the CONVERSATIONS podcast with NieNie. She talks briefly about hers. Go listen to it. POWERFUL stuff. Believe -- that is part of the journey there.
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