"... I believe in you as a strong woman, an independent thinker, a devoted mother, and a generous and kind-hearted person. I enjoyed our time together.
-J"
RE: Letting Go
"I love you J.
Always,
-Me"
What else could I say? There was no point in arguing his email point-by-point. He had already made up his mind. A sobby email would only complicate things, make me look like an obsessive psycho, and make my broken heart feel worse. "I enjoyed our time together" seemed so final. So done. So determined of him to be finished and so unbelievably painful for me to accept. It was over and I spent a few days crying and sobbing, and cursing The Universe. Honestly, I knew it was coming. I knew that finality on his part would happen in September and I accepted it. Broken heart and all. The pending death of the season and doom of the winter ahead seemed a fitting scene for receiving such a correspondence.
But then, that same feeling that told me it would be over in September also told me something would happen in February with Him. Yes, dear reader, you are correct. That would have been this past February. The same February I wrote about in the entry just before this one. The February Storm.
And I fantasized about it and what The Storm would all entail. I pictured a quiet night at home, snuggled up on my front couch, reading a classic, which would be interrupted by the ping of my doorbell. Adrenaline would pinch my stomach from the reaction of the ping, like a lab rat anticipating a shock from taking a wrong turn in a maze. My heart would leap knowing He was on the other side of my door, flowers in hand, apology ready for being such an ass by letting me go too easily. And I would open the door, see the sincere pain of apology in his eyes, and I would leap into his arms and kiss him in a way The Universe had never witnessed before because of Truest Love.
That did not happen. Nothing really happened and I am confused and hurt by the Universe. I feel so let down because I felt so deeply something concrete would happen. Yes, my fantasy was a little far fetched (duh). I think I have become a damn hopeless romantic (double-duh), but I really felt like some undeniable sign would happen...
A Few Days into February, 2015 via text, 6:39 PM (after months of painful radio silence)
"Happy birthday. I hope life is good for you."
My heart stopped. I was literally out-the-door with the kids to go celebrate birthday dinner when I got that text. Was this the sign? I was not expecting Him to reach out on my birthday, I think we can safely assume I was expecting something more. Would this lead to the something more? Was this a simple gust of wind from my February Storm? Needless-to-say, I spent my birthday dinner distracted, thinking of how I was going to calmly reply.
Reply via text, 9:15 PM (trying to play it oh-so-smooth)
"What a nice surprise. I am doing well. Thank you."
~~*~~
"I enjoyed our time together." That was the nail in the coffin. It was over. It was dead. There really was no need for him to reach out to me on my birthday. I would have been fine without it, but I cannot help but wonder why he felt the need to text me. He was obviously thinking about me. He obviously mentally noted my birthday. If things were working out the way he had hoped with his estranged and separated (?) wife, then he surely would not be reaching our to a past lover. Right?
And that was it for the moment. Minutes ticked by. Days ticked by. A few weeks ticked by and February drew nearer to its close. That could not be it. Nine words?!?! Just NINE words was my storm? Surely there was more. I started to feel desperate.
For about ten minutes, I looked at the arrow on my phone that could send the text I had written. I took a breath, my index finger hovered above the arrow... and I chickened-out. I reread what I had written, then I took another breath and pushed the arrow...
February 23, 2015 8:57 PM
"Hey. (Keeping it casual.) Your text was quite a surprise (it was) and it caused me to wonder how you are doing (this is a lie. I've been wondering that every day since his email in September, and every day since we first met). We should catch up over drinks and aps sometime (still trying to keep it cool and not sound desperate). Think about it. No pressure ;) (PLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE respond!!!!)
No response...
March 3, 2015 9:37 PM, Present Day
I have been beside myself today. All day long I have been weeping. I am so hurt. There is such sour hollowness in my stomach. I am scared. I am scared I have made this into an obsession about him. This false soul-mate notion. This falseness of trusting The Universe when there is nothing even there. I question whether I really loved or love him; or, rather, that I am in love with this fantasy notion. I sincerely thought we had connected on a level I had never, ever done with another. He told me he loved me! Now I do not know and I do not want him to be gone in nine words.
I do not want him to be gone from my life. I want him in my life. I want him to be my life. I want to be his life. And it hurts. It does not hurt being alone. I am fine being alone. I have been alone for years already and I have tackled that fear. What hurts is having this love inside of me, wanting to share it completely with Him and only Him. It hurts holding it in. It hurts waiting to see if the release will finally be with Him.
I want a chance to really know, without any outside influences, whether or not he and I could be each others Other. I feel cheated. I feel cheated by the Universe that I never really got that chance. And that's what I want. I want that chance to decide for myself and not have someone decide it for me.
And the tears continue to sting my eyes and stain my cheeks.
And I am left to wonder, is True Love even real.
I am a goddamned sap...
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