Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Ramblings

I have felt the writing tug for the last couple of days. I usually have an idea of what I want to get off my chest. I do have some heavy ideas of what I want to write about, but I do not feel like getting into the heavy stuff right now. Somehow my fingertips find themselves on the keyboard and here I am, mumbling and rambling on the internet.

I guess I could ramble on about Mr. J and my undying, sickly, unrequited love, but there is nothing new on that front and I do not want to come off as this shrine-worshiping psycho, who burns incense nightly to some Goddess of Love, begging for him to come back into my life. Well... I do not burn incense every night (kidding). The only news, I guess, is that he never responded. So I guess that is good. He never said no, but he never said yes either. Unrequited love, just... fuck you.

I know love will happen for me again and the answer that strikes my heart is "soon". Soon... What's "soon" to the Universe anyway? Soon... I snort at the ambiguity of such a word. It is not very helpful in curtailing the desire in wanting to share the rest of my life with My Other.

Trust the timing my heart says. I am trying, really I am. Last June I was wanting someone in my life to love and looking back now, I can see now, I was not ready. I still had a lot of mental work to do and bad habits to overcome. Mentally, I think I am in a good spot. I have gained so much strength in my voice. I am not afraid to stick up for myself and draw boundaries for my comfort. Having encounters with several men who wanted to bow those boundaries gave me the courage and experience to be firm and direct when I was being pushed. This new strength is so refreshing.

And I am working on my bad habits and I am trying to incorporate a healthier lifestyle. Now that I have built a solid mental foundation, the next step is to make exercise and healthy eating part of my life. This spring has kick started that. It feels great to get out and go for a run. At the end of the week when I see my runs logged in, I feel so accomplished.

I think if I had had someone in my life, I would not have had the motivation to take the next steps needed to bring more happiness in my life. That person would have accepted that me at that moment, so then it would be hard to make the healthier changes necessary because they would have been ok with that me. I know the only person holding me back from being in a relationship is me. I know once I have kicked off my bad habits and continued with new, healthier ones, I will attract somebody at that level. Last thing I need in my life is a slug and I do not want to be someone else's slug either. I am not making these changes for my Other. These changes have been past-due many years. I only now have the mental strength to pull these changes off. I have really, never been so happy in my life.

But, hell. It would be so good to have some sign from Mr. J. Some little push with the door for him to take a peek and see if I was still there. Yes. I am still holding out hope. Ugh... I need to give myself a time frame. A deadline that if nothing happens by a certain date, I swear off my thoughts about him and wish his soul well and move on...

and maybe go egg his house...

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