The Purpose

There are several reasons I have created this blog. Even if nobody ever reads it, the first purpose of it is to clear my head. I am trying to figure out what kind of relationship I want to have with The Church and what kind of relationship I want my children to have with the church. I love the social aspect of my particular ward. A ton of new families have moved in and I feel a draw to go to church because these people have become my friends. What's more, it is so nice to have my daughter have other children she can play with.


This last week we had what I call "Entrapment", formerly known in The Church as Enrichment, and I really had a fun time. There was a ton of laughing and talking and eating. And I thought that the only reason I would ever come back to church would be to enjoy the sisterhood my ward holds. I do feel a bond with the sisters and I do feel like they ARE my ward family. If it were possible, I would love to do all the social stuff, and not attend church, but I am afraid doing that, would scare some sisters off and they wouldn't want to socialize with me just because it could be awkward for them.


Now, for me, I don't feel awkward about any of this. I am happy to call myself inactive and I have called myself so in front of some of my sister friends. "So that's gonna be how you get me to come back to church!" I laughingly exclaimed as one sister gave me something another sister left behind at my MIL's house. "Now I have to go to church to get it to her!" The two sisters I was talking to, know me well and laughed along. I detected no awkwardness.


Another reason I have created this blog is to use it as a tool when, one day, I decide to come out-of-the Mormon closet to my family. Fortunately, my family lives way across the country from me, so they are not privy to my inactivity and my sketchiness of The Church. Families can be crushed and relationships ruined when a child/sibling leaves the church. Although I know I can not control their reactions, I hope to soften it by blogging about my feelings and the inner turmoil I am going through. I would like them to understand this isn't a rash decision, but something that has been well-thought out. I want them to see that I am still the same person. The same old me. I just don't believe what they believe anymore and what those "things" are will be blogged about soon.


I worry most about my father's and older sister's reaction. My sister and I got into a brief discussion this past fall about the whole Prop 8/gay thing and it quickly turned into a debate. I didn't want to go in depth regarding my feelings about it, so I put up my white flag and surrendered. I wasn't on my home turf, nor did I have a coalition of the willing on my side, so at that point it was an easy decision to not let it get out of control.


So anyway. There you go. More to come later. More to think of now.