Going to dinner + fresh hotel sheets + not waking up with the kids > TO4W
I decided ahead of time to go as an objective observer with a positive attitude. I was not going to be looking for opportunities to be offended or annoyed by the speakers or the attendees. I was going to be very real and practical about the whole thing.
The Friday night session was okay. The first speaker, Brother NotFunny, had a pretty dismal talk. A person who is truly funny does not need to try to be funny, but somehow Brother NotFunny never got that memo. People around me were cracking up and I just could not fathom why. I wondered if subconsciously I had a bad attitude affecting my funny bone, but then I looked over at my MIL and my GF. There they were. Arms folded. Faces serious and somewhat puzzled. Good. It wasn't just me and my uncorrelated self.
Next, Virginia Hinckley Pearce spoke and she was, meh... Again, I thought perhaps a bad attitude was influencing me, but no, my MIL and GF later confirmed my same thoughts. Fortunately, the night wasn't a total bust because Jenny Oaks Baker, a Julliard-educated violinist saved the night. Listening to her play the violin was a treat. She was absolutely brilliant.
So the Friday night session went well for me. No major or even minor annoyances. We topped the night off with a trip to the Cheesecake Factory and a pillow fight before bed. The next morning my MIL and GF headed over while I caught a few more zzzzs. Then I got up. Got ready and got over to the conference. I summoned up my positive energy and open mindedness. I was ready for round two.
I made it in time to listen to Linda Eyre and her daughter Shawni Pothier. My MIL knows Shawni personally, so that was much of the reason she wanted to go to TO4W. They both did a fine job and I was feeling fine...
Until...
Enter Brad Wilcox from stage right...
Cox started out his talk relating a story from when he was a mission president. His story was of a disheartened elder who wanted things to be easier. "Wouldn't it all be easier if we just had to do baptisms for the dead?" He then goes off into this diatribe mocking people who say things like, "But Brother Wilcox, don't you know how hard it is? I was born this way. Do you know how hard it is to change?"
From there I began to feel a little uneasy in my seat. I was afraid this would turn into Packergate from that one General Conference. Remember that one? It went something along the lines of gays not being able to overcome what they feel to be inborn tendencies and then he asked why would Heavenly Father do that to anyone, meaning create someone who was gay. Somehow I felt Cox was hinting around on the whole "I was born this way" excuse that he must think is illegitimate for the gay population.
But I digress. The best was yet to come. Cox then went into this rant of mockery saying the following: It is easy to not going to church. It is easy not going to the temple. It is easy finding the anti-Mormon website to question church history. It is easy to ruin your testimony...
As though I had springs in my butt, I popped up as quickly as I could and angrily walked out in the middle of his self-righteous rant. It was all I could do not to flip him off on the way out, and now I wish I would have. I was pissed and hurt. I immediately called Husband NotSo to relate what had happened and I started to cry. I cried because he was so wrong, so wrong about how "easy" he thinks it is. It is not easy at all.
There have been many, MANY times in my faith crisis where I have thought how much easier it would be to just go back to church, continue to ignore the things that bother me, and continue to be spoon-fed the baby food of what I should believe. It would be easier to have someone else do the thinking for me. It would be easier maintaining relationships with my family and friends if I continued to go to church, instead of taking the initiative to ensure those bonds don't crumble.
From there I began to feel a little uneasy in my seat. I was afraid this would turn into Packergate from that one General Conference. Remember that one? It went something along the lines of gays not being able to overcome what they feel to be inborn tendencies and then he asked why would Heavenly Father do that to anyone, meaning create someone who was gay. Somehow I felt Cox was hinting around on the whole "I was born this way" excuse that he must think is illegitimate for the gay population.
But I digress. The best was yet to come. Cox then went into this rant of mockery saying the following: It is easy to not going to church. It is easy not going to the temple. It is easy finding the anti-Mormon website to question church history. It is easy to ruin your testimony...
As though I had springs in my butt, I popped up as quickly as I could and angrily walked out in the middle of his self-righteous rant. It was all I could do not to flip him off on the way out, and now I wish I would have. I was pissed and hurt. I immediately called Husband NotSo to relate what had happened and I started to cry. I cried because he was so wrong, so wrong about how "easy" he thinks it is. It is not easy at all.
There have been many, MANY times in my faith crisis where I have thought how much easier it would be to just go back to church, continue to ignore the things that bother me, and continue to be spoon-fed the baby food of what I should believe. It would be easier to have someone else do the thinking for me. It would be easier maintaining relationships with my family and friends if I continued to go to church, instead of taking the initiative to ensure those bonds don't crumble.
Perhaps the most damaging part of all this, was the permission Brother Cox gave the hundreds of women and young women there to judge people who question the church or who have left the church because that is the easy way. No doubt each of those women know someone in their family or ward who has left the church or who is struggling with the church. Now instead of hearing a message about compassion and Christ-like love, they heard a message that they could judge those they know for taking the easy route. Now, because they stay in the church and continue to do what they are told to do, it is deemed harder and must, therefore, be better because it is sanctified by Brother Cox.
I promise, I tired to go into TO4W as open minded as I possibly could be. I knew some things might bother me, but I accepted that fact ahead of time. What I did not expect was the blatant rudeness and judgment coming from one of the more renowned persons of the church.
And to Brother Cox, I recommend taking your nasty foot out of your mouth and walk around in my shoes for a day before you deem what is "easy" and what is not.
For that, I award you the SisterNotSo WTF moment. WTF, Brother Cox. WTF.
I believe that what you just confronted was the very thing that puts the cult in Mormon culture.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is a breath of fresh air. Anyway, I'm certainly still making the *easy* choice to still go with the flow of church. When I think of all the momentum, bravery, and heartbreak my (I hope) eventual departure will bring, I have to take a nap.
ReplyDeleteUgh. One of the things I most hate about the church is the permission we are given to judge each other. HATE. SO NOT the message of Christ.
ReplyDeleteTaking responsibility for your spiritual life isn't easy--not nearly as easy as outsourcing it to someone else and then just doing your best to follow along. Amazing that folks that are busing doing whatever they're told somehow manage to convince themselves that THEY are taking the difficult path. . . Yeah, right. Great post.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm coming to this way late, but I just found your blog and I really, really appreciate this post. I agree with you completely. I don't know where the idea started that leaving the LDS church is easy, but it is so frustrating to see it bandied about. It's incredibly hard to do something that will potentially cause irreparable rifts with your family and friends. It's incredibly hard to explore and face the possibility that what you've been taught your whole life may not be what it purports to be. It's gut wrenching and heartbreaking and can be terrifying. So thanks for this.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting Galdralag. Nobody is ever late to my party. And it IS terrifying! Much love.
ReplyDeleteI love that you still attended and in the process did enjoy Jenny Oaks and Linda and Shawni. TOFW can be very hit and miss.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, Virginia Pearce is way cool -- she has a masters in social work (and 5 great kids). I love her!! I wish you would have enjoyed her more.
ReplyDeleteJenny Oaks Baker was on the program for BYU Women's Conference (April 2012), but for some reason wasn't there. So sad. She could've saved that trainwreck.
ReplyDeleteLove this post. It brings so many thoughts and feelings to the surface. Leaving the church was one of the hardest things I've ever done for all the reasons you mentioned. Eventually, I returned (which was equally difficult, btw). I once had a wonderful Bishop whose son was in the process of leaving the church and the Bishop was distraught about it. I told him that this was probably the hardest thing his son has ever done and he is doing it because he has been raised to do what he feels is right. And that is exactly what he is doing--what he thinks and feels is right. The Bishop looked at me like I was an alien. He truly did not understand any part of what I was trying to say. I think perhaps if you have never experienced it, it is impossible to imagine how painful and difficult leaving the church can be.
ReplyDelete