The Kids

I have been at a loss for thoughts lately. I have been a bit busy with vacations and playdates for my kids, so perhaps I have been distracted a bit. What's more, Little Brother Notso is going through a clingy stage or something, so getting anything done while he is awake is nearly impossible. For example: I took a shower (get your thoughts out of the mud) yesterday morning and he was crying outside the shower curtain. He kept pulling it away and getting wetter and madder. I finally just picked him up, clothes and all, and put him in the shower with me. You do what you gotta do I guess.


And I suppose that is where I am going with this post. My kids. One of the more difficult decisions of apostasy is deciding if what I am doing will be good for me kids. I don't feel like I was damaged at Primary age, but as I got into Young Womens, I can see the teachings during those years did influence the decisions I made as a young adult. It felt like I had to fit into the cookie-cutter mold that is taught: Graduate high school, start college, meet your future husband, get married young, have kids young, and never finish school. Yadda. Yadda.


My parents did tell me I could be whatever I wanted to be, but what I was hearing and seeing from church was different. There were very few mothers who worked in my ward. I saw big families, where the father worked, and the mother stayed home. I am certainly not bashing their decisions, but there is so much more out there once you take the blinders off.


I want so much more for my kids, for my daughter in particular. I want her to never feel like she can't do something just because she is female. If she wants to be a brain surgeon, great! If she wants to be an Olympic athlete, awesome! If she wants to be a pole dancer... Well... Not so great. There is only so much influence I can have at home, so having her in a church which teaches likewise, I feel somewhat torn.


I would love for her to have a relationship with God and understand the depth of the teachings of Jesus. If those were the main things taught on Sunday, I would be fine with that. Instead, we get bogged down the rules, commandments, expectations, culture, and whatnot. Even if I filter what she is taught, she is bound to absorb some of the stuff I don't want her to. What's more, she will see the patriarchy of the church = Men in important roles. Women in less important roles and not involved as much.


So I am left with the questions if it is fair for me to make this decision for her? Should I just take her to Primary? Should I just skip it all, and hope she follows my example at home?


I just don't want to mess my kids up. I want them to have all the confidence in the world to conquer the world. I want them to have compassion to give to the world. Whether-or-not The Church hinders confidence, I don't know. Whether-or-not keeping them at home hinders compassion, I don't know. Kind of a catch 22.

My Apologies

Sorry y'all. I am on a blogging vacay right now. I have been a bit busy lately, but I promise to return to the blogging world soon. Until then, happy summer. 

All Boys Club

Every Monday morning my MIL gets together with some sisters in the ward to make various food items. The past few times, they have made dinner items. Today they decided to make bread. The ex-RS President in the ward showed up with her grain, her electronic mill, honey, gluten wheat germ, and bread mixer... Obviously she is one of those gung-ho food storage types whom even had her wheat germ labeled as 03/03, the day she purchased it. Insert eyeroll here ---> _______ .

Another sister and friend of mine showed up too, so it was just the four of us ladies making wheat bread. Which was pretty good in fact. I made some honey butter to go on the warm bread and it was delish... See recipe below. So we chit-chatted about this and that. We laughed a little. I teased a lot. Overall, we had a nice morning making bread together.


One of the things we chatted about was my MIL recounting a ward activity that came up in a PEC meeting (aka. The No Vaginas Sunday Morning Gossip Club). Apparently, at a recent ward activity, one of the members' of the bishopric met a few of the old-timers from our ward who have since moved on and he really enjoyed meeting these folks he has heard stories about. So while The No Vaginias Sunday Morning Gossip Club was talking and planning, they decided it would be a great ward activity to have an "old-timers" activity. Meaning, they would invite these former ward members to join them in a dinner, probably pot-luck style, and reminisce about the good ol' days. I secretly wondered if this would also include having the men dress up as cowboys and women as saloon whores, and have their photos taken in a sephia tone as a memento of the evening.


The two men who were put in charge of said activity were the EQ President and the High Priest Group Leader, whom happens to be my FIL. The EQ President is a well-meaning guy, is quite funny, and I like him a lot, but to get him to follow through on something is improbable. So the burden of planning this shing-dig would fall on the shoulders of my FIL... yeah, right. When my FIL came home, as my MIL was recounting it to us, he told her of their plans and said my MIL would be in charge of it.


"Why would I be in charge of it?" asked my MIL to my FIL, as she recounted this tale to us ladies.


"Because you are the HPGL's wife and I wouldn't know what to do," was his helpless answer.


Hearing how this would all fall on my MIL's shoulders started to make me mad. Because of my sticky position in the family and the ward, I decided I had better not criticize what I had heard. Even though my negative sentiments would have been valid before my disaffection, stating them now would only mean I am a bitter, inactive member and it would not be received well. So I kept my mouth shut. What I really, REALLY, wanted to say was, "Well. That is what you get when you do not include women in important meetings concerning the members of the ward."


So, the two things that bugged me about the above interaction: One, I think it is completely absurd that in the year of our Lord 2011, women in auxiliary positions are not allowed in PEC. At very least, the RS President should be invited so she is fully privy to the needs of those in the ward. This would save time for the bishop, instead of needing to pull the RS President aside for their own special pow-wow. 


I do not understand why women are excluded from PEC and I do not see a good reason for it either. If you really break it down, the only reason I see women being excluded is because of typical male, sexist tradition (aka. no penis syndrome). Just because women do not hold the Priesthood or a penis should not exclude them from being a part of meetings which involve how the ward is functioning. The RS President is basically in charge of compassionate service in the ward. As part of that function, she needs to know the needs of ward members, otherwise that calling is moot and is difficult for her to fulfill.


And number two: I wonder how many times past activities have fallen on the sister's shoulders which were originally planned by the men who were probably fully aware they would be dumping their ideas on the sisters. It does not seem right that men should plan something, knowing they would solicit help from the sisters, without the input and insight of those sisters. It is like my husband making plans for us without my knowledge or consent. Doing so is rude, offensive and disrespectful. It only adds to the disillusionment we women hear every General Conference about how wonderful we sisters are and how special we are. If this were the case, these men would not turn around and disrespect us women by making plans without us.


I do not see why a woman's point-of-view is not wanted in PEC. A woman's insights and thoughts would only add to the well-being of the ward family, plus it would give another point-of-view. The needs of a sister in the ward can not be truly understood by the men if a woman is not there to represent her point-of-view. A man cannot truly empathize with a woman because he is, simply, not a woman. If we woman are so special and wonderful, why are we not offered the decently of being represented by a woman in PEC to get our view? If the church is truly, TRULY concerned about women, they would allow female representation to ensure they get the FULL PICTURE.


Bottom line: If the male leadership of the church really thought we women were so special and wonderful, they would include women in the PEC to ensure our needs were truly met. So there.


Now to sweeten things up:
 
Honey Butter
1 cup of softened butter
2/3 cup of real honey
3/4 cup of powdered sugar


Throw butter in a mixing bowl, add honey and powdered sugar. Mix for a minute, or until fluffy. Serve on warm bread you made with your ex-RS President.

And This Just In...

Coffee is good for your prostate! Just read this. So... If you have read the "Not-So Good Day" post before this one you are currently viewing, then, perhaps I will brew a pot of coffee at the beach week. We gotta keep our prostates healthy! Too bad all the cream and sugar go straight to your ass...

Disclaimer: I know your prostate is not part of your anus, but they are interconnected when getting a prostate checked. I also know, I do not have a prostate.

Not-So Good Day

As you have read, in the last ten months, Husband Notso and I have finally come to the point of letting our beliefs in the church go. Over the past ten years, or so, he kept some of his more radical thoughts to himself because he was afraid of what I would think. After some seeking and pondering and podcasting, we started an open dialog, paralleled our religious beliefs, and I learned things I had not known about the church. Many of these things were so disappointing and I was hurt. I was hurt because this once great thing and part of my life was not what it seemed to be.

Husband Notso told his parents and two brothers he no longer believed, which, of course, was not received well. Since then, we have gone through various phases of awkwardness, denial, indifference... All-in-all, I think they have handled it well, but slowly things have been trickling back to us through various conversations he has been having with different members of his family regarding our apostasy.

These "tricklings" have been extremely hurtful. We have been called "selfish", that we live in a world of "hyperbole" and, more specifically, that I "...would brew a pot of coffee..." at our family annual beach trip "...just for shock value...". If I were going for shock value, I think I would be more creative other than brewing a pot of coffee.

Even before all the $hit hit the fan, I have had an irreverent sense of humor, but now my irreverent jests are now "hurtful" and are out-of-place. It has been SO DIFFICULT keeping my mouth shut. I know speaking my mind would make things worse and would be unproductive. I have known his family since 1996 and it is like they do not remember what I am like or who I am.

I am still the SAME person. I am not EVIL. I do not and will not purposefully shove in their faces my new lifestyle. In fact, feel like I am going out-of-my-way to make sure I will not offend them in any way in order to make this situation less awkward. When I am around his family, I wear "modest" clothing, even though I have ditched the magic underwear long ago. I will not "brew a pot of coffee" just for shock value. Now, it is as if I need to prove to them I am a good person, when I already was a good person.


And I admit, I like my occasional Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks, but I am far from brewing pots of coffee in the morning. I am SO tempted to just go ahead and brew a pot at the beach and not drink a drop just to show them how stupid they are.

A Good Day

Today is a good day. The house is a wreck, but I feel like a got a lot done. Daughter NotSo had preschool this morning and I was planning on skipping it. I had gotten up late and I absolutely loathe trying to rush out the door when there are two children to get ready. Daughter NotSo seems to only have two speeds: slow and huh?. So it was already 9:30 in the morning, when preschool starts, and I said to myself, "Just do it!"


So I did it and it wasn't that bad. I didn't feel rushed or stressed. I even had time to make her a sack lunch. After dropping Daughter NotSo off, a little late, I hit the grocery store and bought stuff for us and our neighbors who had just had a baby. I told them I would be bringing them dinner and today I felt motivated to do so.


Son NoSo and I made it home and I started prepping the dinner, when my friend and other neighbor dropped her daughter off for me to watch while she went to teach her comm call class. Our daughters are the same age, so they play together and well at that. After a bit, we all loaded in the car to pick up Daughter NotSo from preschool, then home again, where dinner preparation continued and the kids played.


I want to do nice things for people, but sometimes it is so damn hard for me to comment. My MIL was in the RS Presidency of our ward for the last few years, so I was called upon many times to help her. I am happy to help, but when the children at home don't cooperate with what I need to accomplish, it can get stressful, and I feel pressure and anxiety in trying to achieve what I need to do to help my MIL out, or anyone for that matter. Hence my reluctance to comment to anything because in my head, it equals stress.


So why was today good, you ask? Today was good because I was able to make dinner for my neighbors and there was very little stress in doing so. I was able to enjoy the service I was preforming. I love the feeling of doing something nice for someone else. Not because I think I am wonderful, but because I need those good vibrations in my life. I have such a hard time being happy that if I can grasp onto any happiness floating our there, I will.


It is so important to me that I remain in the service of my fellow being even though I am not attending church. I am still a good person, with a good heart, and I want to do good things. Just because I don't commit to three hours every Sunday does not mean I am a bad person. The teaching of Christ I believe to be most fundamental in my life is loving on another. So many times we are more concerned with the rules, rather than with the person. Rules are made to be broken, hearts aren't. I am glad I was able to do something nice today.

The Cafeteria is Open

Some of the things said over the pulpit during conference drive me bonkers. Well, there are actually several things that drive me nuts about conference. One: Lack of female speakers. Two: The "conference cadence". Three: Constant stream of nincompoopery... see below.

"Teach of faith to keep all the commandments of God, knowing that they are given to bless His children and bring them joy. Forewarn them that they will encounter people who pick which commandments they will keep and ignore others that they choose to break. I call this the cafeteria approach to obedience. This practice of picking and choosing will not work. It will lead to misery. To prepare to meet God, one keeps all of His commandments. It takes faith to obey them, and keeping His commandments will strengthen that faith" Elder Nelson, April 2011

I love how he uses the term "cafeteria approach to obedience", as if this were a term he cleverly came up with all on his own. I even went back to listen to the clip to see if he got any laughs out of the congregation. Yes. There is a soft, audible chuckle for a few seconds before he continues. Lame. This term has been in use in forums and facebook groups long before Elder Nelson spoke of it in conference. So do not give him any of the clever credit. He took one of our phrases.


And by our, I mean us "Cafeteria Mormons". Yes. I am a Cafeteria Mormon. I do pick and chose the commandments which I want to live. It is FINALLY nice to get some kind of recognition from The Church that there is a fragment of its members out there who want to be Mormon, but do not swallow EVERYTHING they serve in the cafeteria... And to continue on the cafeteria analogy, if I may, we all know what happens if you eat everything they serve in the cafeteria... You get fat and immovable.


I believe God wants us to think for ourselves and make decisions based on the Savior's example. Allowing others to think for you is lazy and can cause confusion when, one day, your designated thinkers sway from their teachings. I can think of several instances of this throughout church history where its prophets swayed from what the previous prophet said. Polygamy, anyone?  Adam/God theory, anyone? Blacks and the Priesthood, anyone? And how does the church apologize for these deferences when God remains ever consistent?


I think there are enough TBM zealots out there who would follow the prophet off a cliff and continue justifying it until their guts were splattered on the ground. I wonder if TBMs truly understand the significance of the very foundational question of which The Church was founded. Joesph Smith, himself had a question and one day, while reading the bible, he came across that poignant scripture in James, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all [men] liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him". Meaning, if you have a question, ask God what it is and he will help you get the answer.


That scripture is not just limited to Joesph Smith and his question to God, nor is it limited to only modern-day prophets. It is there for ALL of us to read and to use when we have questions. Just because a member choses to find for themselves whether-or-not the direction a modern-day prophet is valid, does not mean they are unfaithful or evil. It means they are thinkers and want to do thinking and get conformation for themselves. I believe The Church holds itself as the highest, supreme power and government for all people. Even though there are governments leading its countrymen, I believe the church quietly scoffs at these governments and rules its people, winking from the sidelines. 


There is a higher power and authority which a person can seek input and that is seeking answers, as the scripture says, from God himself. When the phone system was first around, a person would have to call into an operator, who would then plug them into the extension of the person they were seeking. The Church does not need to be your operator. Just as we can now call people today without a third-party "assistance", we can talk to God without interference of the church. So when it comes to commandments and "picking which ones to follow", I believe it is between that person and God. Period.


Another troublesome issue in his talk was his heed at warning your children of "...people who pick which commandments they will keep and ignore the others they chose to break..." Really? We need to warn our children of these people as if they are evil, un-Christlike or lepers?


This statement is so damaging in so many ways. Especially the word "warning". A warning is a way of announcing to those a threat or impending danger is nigh, so a person should beware and take shelter. Just as a tornado siren warns a tornado, parents need to use their "siren" to warn against us evil-doing, pick and choose, Cafeteria Mormons. A statement like that only gives children and parents a license to JUDGE others who THEY see are not following the commandments. 


There are so many people out there in this silly world who live better Christlike lives than most Mormons and these are the same people who might have a drink of wine or coffee, or smoke, or wear sleeveless tops! The horror of them all! Teaching children to reject those around them only teaches them to judge and fear. This is the COMPLETE opposite of what Christ taught. He healed the leper. Forgave the adulteress. Blessed the children and taught us to "love one another". Nobody was off-limits to the Savior. His love was and is for everyone and was and is not limited to the sickest, saddest individual who has ever lived or is living.


So, instead, Elder Nelson wants us to avoid these people. Perhaps even shun them from our lives and no doubt, many TBM will. The Cafeteria Mormons he is warning of are your parents, your siblings, your friends, your neighbors. I am a Cafeteria Mormon. Elder Nelson is warning you about me. Me, people. Me. I, whom tries daily to live a Christlike life. I need not prove my Christlike ways today or ever. I will not give examples of what I try to do on a daily basis because I am confident enough I am living a good life. Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I judge. But most of the time my love for people shines through and that creates true happiness.


The fact that my picking and choosing will cause me "misery", as Elder Nelson puts it, is something I will just have to risk. So far I am not miserable. I am happy. In fact, I had one of those fleeting moments of happiness today, where my soul tuned in and everything just seemed right and good. Knowing the quirks I know about the church and turning a blind eye to it would case me more misery because my integrity would be challenged. I would rather keep my integrity and confidence because I am choosing to live my life and have it on par with what God wants. There are many ways to God. Mormonism may be just another way to get there, it is not the ONLY way to get there. To say otherwise is smug... and wrong.

So for those of you choosing to eat all the cafeteria food, I hope you will enjoy it.  As for me and my house, we will pick what items will be most delicious and nutritious to our tummys and warn nobody about the food. Now, doesn't that Jell-o salad look good?